15/09/2014 12:06 BST | Updated 15/11/2014 05:59 GMT

Scotland Went Out to Buy Cigarettes and Never Came Back

If Scotland break free from the UK, where are they going to go?

This week will see an important checkpoint in the game of life, and Scotland could potentially be leaving the UK. But with a country packed with over 78,000 acres and 5 million people, where will they go?

The debate has caused a stir in the business world, and certain trades are guaranteed to loose money. Cruise ships claim that their revenues will be hit the hardest, and most of their routes will have to be drastically altered as to not collide with the floating nation. A spokesperson for Thompsons cruises said that it's sure to be a 'geographical nightmare' - and one that's going to keep him up for weeks.

Greenland has already voiced it's concerns, with Prime Minister Aleqa Hammond (learned something new) stating that Scotland is forbidden to moor onto the country should it need a resting spot. With Scotland weighing well over 800 tons, it could potentially capsize Greenland should it become attached. Aleqa commented saying that the nation does not want a repeat of 1992, in which Lithuania moored onto Greenland for several weeks and 'out-stayed their welcome'.

Meanwhile England is bracing itself for two new sea-side resorts in Carlisle and Hexham. This will be the second time in history that England has obtained 'bonus beaches' after famously winning an extra coastline in the 1983 Euro-raffle, in which Malta reluctantly gave over a 4 mile stretch of coastal land after loosing at paintballing.

Problems have already begun, with those that aren't wanting to hop aboard HMS Och!-at-sea trying to get back into England. Unfortunately right wing party UKIP has already jumped at the opportunity to throw people out, and have constructed a 40ft electronic fence across the border. The fence has caused a little rift in England-Scotland relations, as over 6,000 families have now been separated and displaced. An eye witness report stated that those attempting to cross the border have been shot on sight, and with very little food or entertainment the country is surely going to plummet into turmoil.


The lowest part of the fence, Hexham.

Bitter MP's reacted this week by throwing a hissy fit stating that Scotland breaking away means 'an outrageous amount of paperwork' for them, and thus anything Scottish is now banned. Those seen holding, playing or having knowledge about bag pipes could face up to 5 years in prison, as well as anyone caught with a shortbread biscuit having an immediate 5 points added to their drivers license.

Jimmy Turner from Nottingham was the first unlucky sprite to be caught with a pair of tartan shorts. He recounts his incident:

"I got a knock on the door after I'd come home from school. There were 20 armed officers outside my house and three big vans. I shouted for my parents but they had already seized them upstairs. They grabbed me by my neck and marched me upstairs. They destroyed my room until they found a pair of tartan shorts that I was holding for a friend. One man shun a torch in my eye and pointed a gun at my nose. He then took me to the kitchen and made me deep-fry the shorts and eat them in front of him. I think they over-reacted"


Absolutely gutted and traumatised. Jimmy has no desire to leave the house.

Scottish MP's were rumbled last week by Wiki-Leaks, after a recent document discovery in which they clearly display intent to migrate to a warmer climate.


No secrets


Plan B

The currency of the island will be determined by a compulsory MySpace quiz, in which all residents will have to answer 72 gruelling questions to determine which sort of money their personality resembles the most. After the national quiz the most popular answer will be the ruling currency. Wall Street experts say that this system is sure to make 'little, or at best, no sense' and will result in food becoming astronomically expensive, with a carrot expecting to cost over 4000 Rwandan Francs.

Song enthusiasts will also be saddened by the music ban. As the country will be continuously floating in international waters, any music performed is counted as pirate radio. The government has urged any musicians to burn or re-shape their instruments into something unplayable, in order to stop the temptation and save themselves the inevitable crippling lawsuits.

Should Scotland separate? Is it worth it for a better view of Greenland? What of the hundreds already imprisoned for owning Rod Stewart CD's? Only the sands of time will tell (on Thursday).