12/02/2015 12:24 GMT | Updated 13/04/2015 06:59 BST

How to Be in the Moment

Modern life is full of stresses, but inner peace can be yours in five easy steps. I have harnessed all my life experience - joyful experiences, painful experiences, a couple of sexual experiences and two weeks of work experience (KPMG aged 14, learnt a lot) to find a surefire release from the horror of being alive.

So sit back, relax, and go through these steps to truly be in the moment.

1) Be in the moment.

Go with me on this. To be in the moment, you have to try and be - but in the moment. Go ahead and try it. If you're not in the moment, something is going wrong - start again and try to be in it.

2) Don't be in other moments.

This is a big part of it. Try it now: do not, for example, think about when your girlfriend/boyfriend said an ex-lover's name in bed recently. Or about when you read that shocking statistic on pigeons swooping into the flats of people trying to be in the moment and clawing their eyes out...just let those other thoughts float away.

3) Make sure you're genuinely in the moment.

Think you got this covered in #1? Well, I didn't want to say it at the time, but you really weren't in the moment back then. I just didn't want to discourage you. Normally people nail that first time, but you seem to be struggling. I'll try to put this in a way that can get through to you, given how much you are struggling. You know other moments? Yeh, well forget about them. Be in the moment. Clue's kinda in the title. No, don't stress. But do at least try, OK? I'm not angry as long as you are actually trying.

4) Don't be in someone else's moment.

You may now actually be in your flatmate's moment. He's trying to set up a VPN on Netflix so he can get access to hit US dramas like Homeland, right? Well, that's not the right moment. That's your flatmate's moment. You have to forget about Homeland. Even that fucking mental bit where they use the politician's remote-controlled pacemaker to kill him. I was thinking about that earlier and, like, do you think that's possible? Using the pacemaker like that? I heard they properly researched it and that Al Qaeda or someone had actually planned to do it. Crazy shit.

5) Which moment should you be in? - That's right, THE one.

Admit it - you're not in the moment, are you? It's OK, honestly. It's just I kind of feel like I'm trying to do you a favour here and you're sort of shitting in my mouth a bit. Like, if you don't want to be in the moment then that's fine, but why did you try to get me to help you be in the moment? There is a chance that...look I wasn't going to go here, but there is a chance that you have a serious mental disorder. Like something pretty messed up in your mind that means you can't find peace and you're actually a bit of a dick to people that try to help you out. In fact there are basically only two possibilities: either you're very psychologically disturbed or you're just a real piece of shit. And don't cry, like I'm the bad guy here.

Aaaaaannnnndddd....release. You are now in the moment.