21/08/2014 11:52 BST | Updated 20/10/2014 06:59 BST

A Note to Freshers

Toddling off to university can be a fairly daunting operation. Firstly, there's all of the preparation work to undergo; then there's choosing your halls and worrying about your flatmates (just how weird the weirdest will be?); you must also trawl around the shops in search of cooking essentials and bathroom paraphernalia. After all of the boring stuff, it's all about moving in and getting to know the people you live with, pretending you're not at all shy and getting pissed up frequently.

But the most important thing, above material preparation and developing friendships with fellow students, is sex. You simply must be banging in your first week. Freshers' week, as we are all aware, was officially put in place to get newly liberated young men and women inebriated on a cocktail of vodka, freedom and sex drive. The sole purpose of freshers' week is to facilitate the imperative process through which you are to find your 'fuck buddy'.

Now, a fuck buddy doesn't demand a permanent position among your acquaintances. This person is highly disposable. Think of them as a house - you enter the market at whatever level you feel comfortable with, some prospective suitors are bolder than others, and then you upgrade as and when your means change. So you can go in at terraced housing, but by the beginning of your final exams in May, be sipping bubbly on your penthouse balcony with a river view. Freshers' week is the ideal period in which to get your foot on the ladder.

The key is to actually secure a fuck buddy in freshers' week. Going to university as an adolescent whose hormones are bubbling away like an active volcano is pretty much like being a centre-forward transferred into a new club. You have to get off the mark. In the same way Luis Suarez would happily have the ball ricochet off his arse cheek to open his account at Barca, you have to be equally unfussy about how you begin your tally. The dynamics of bagging sex at university are nothing like their portrayal in films. Get off the mark, celebrate scoring, and allow that to boost your confidence ahead of the next one-on-one.

Sealing that first shag is a solo operation. Every man must fight for himself in the sexual battlefield that is freshers' week. If you have to pinch your friend's graft while he/she nips to the toilet, by all means do so. They'd do the same. It's a ruthless game but your success in freshers' week will define your sexual experiences for the rest of your three years at university.

It is a not-so-closely guarded secret that the universities and local bars are all in cahoots with each other regarding the sexual endeavours of their newest undergrads. Universities want you to go on and be successful in life and a large part of this will be determined by your confidence. If you're fucking, you're confident. If you can pull a member of the opposite sex out of a bar and into your bed (not literally, do NOT literally pull anyone), you will be able to approach new people more in your daily life. If your seeds have been sown the evening before, you have a brighter approach to the new day, willing to take on the challenges that will be presented to you and take them in your stride.

However, do not allow your desire to get off the mark see you fall into the worst possible freshers' week trap: shagging a course-mate. While this will be your first deposit in the bank of sexual plunder, it has many bad consequences. The confidence you should have gained will be shattered as you become paranoid that others on your course are talking about your off-form, drunken thrusting; or your inexplicable come-face. There is only one thing worse than shagging nobody in freshers' week, and that's shagging a course-mate. Don't go there.

Apart from that, all the best.

EDIT: Since there has been some awkward feedback to this article I'd like to make clear it IS satire - obviously.