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Parenting Is Disgusting

Before Carolyn had really had time to open her eyes Iris vomited all over her. It was pretty good timing. And it was as I was laying in bed mopping vomit off my wife's chest that I thought to myself... this parenting stuff can be really quite rank.

Everyone has been a bit ill at home this week. Iris started it off waking up in the night and grumbling as I carried her through to our bedroom. As ever, she immediately wanted to be passed to Carolyn so I thrust her over and before Carolyn had really had time to open her eyes Iris vomited all over her. It was pretty good timing. And it was as I was laying in bed mopping vomit off my wife's chest that I thought to myself... this parenting stuff can be really quite rank. So in honour of that here are, in no particular order, some of the most disgusting situations I have been in in just the last few months. Enjoy!

Catching Sick in my Hands

I'm sure many of you have had to do this too (you have right?!). This has happened on more than one occasion but most recently this week. It was the day after Iris had vomited on Carolyn and we were sat in our bed looking at Iris and thinking she didn't look right. At which point she puked. Carolyn quickly turned her away from herself learning from the previous days covering whilst I dived forward (in my head energetically and dramatically but in reality I think I just put my hands out) to catch the sick. My first thought not being lets stop Carolyn from getting puked on again, not I hope Iris is ok but simply I just washed these sheets and they were clean on last night - I'm not bloody washing them again. So I sat there and caught all of her sick in my bare hands and then carried it through to the toilet. Disgusting but it saved another sheet change.

PoundStretcher Poo Gate

We have one big car and one little car. Generally whoever has the kids has the big car and the other one takes the little car to work. But the other day I said don't worry about leaving me the big car. I was only planning on popping to one shop and then the park so wasn't going far and didn't need the pushchair so the small car would be fine. So we nipped to PoundStretcher to get a few bits. Iris being the second child loves to copy Anna so hates being carried when we are out and about and instead likes to stroll off on her own (Anna on the other would be happy being carried everywhere given half a chance). This is usually fine except when you are in a rush or she is feeling particularly disobedient. The problem on this occasion was we were in a bit of a rush, she was feeling particularly disobedient and half way round I realised she poo running down the inside of her tights. After catching her as she ran off in the wrong direction I picked her up and slung her over my shoulder when I felt a damp patch. I quickly popped her down to my hip and checked her, hoping, rather unrealistically, that it was just wee. But it was not just wee. A quick check of my shoulder confirmed this. At this point I was well into the shop. Anna was pulling the half filled basket along. There was no turning back, I had to go on. Iris cried and shouted, wiggled and squirmed. She did not like being carried. I couldn't put her down, not just because she would leave a trail of poo behind as she went but also because she was now the human shield between the outside world and my damp poo covered t-shirt. At this point I heard Anna shout out "OH NO! MY BRACELET!" She had lost the loom band bracelet she was wearing. I tried to reassure her that it was probably in the car or at home but she wasn't having any of it. "When I lose stuff Daddy you tell me to look everywhere I have been. We need to go back everywhere in the shop." Bugger. She started dashing down the aisles looking for the bracelet as I followed carrying the noisy poo child. Anna realised it wasn't in the shop and I thought we were in the clear. "I need to look outside." "Anna, you can't." She was already gone. She hadn't heard me at all. I was one end of the shop looking towards the exit as my three year old daughter ran towards the doors pulling a basket full of goods that hadn't been paid for yet. The alarms were going to sound and security were going to pounce on my tiny shoplifting daughter. They were going to try and find the responsible adult looking after her and they would find me, helpless and covered in shit. I had to think on my feet but being a self conscious parent I couldn't bring myself to shout across the shop. Instead I stood still and tried to control Anna using some sort of Jedi mind trick. Luckily for me she is about as open to Jedi mind control as she is to listening and it worked. Either that or she isn't quite as badly behaved as I make out and she got close to the door and realised what she was doing. She stopped, turned around and headed back to me as I stood waiting. "Maybe we can look on the way out after we have paid Daddy." Good idea. We then quickly headed to the checkout, paid and left. We got back to the car and I suddenly wished we had the big car. I'm not sure if you have ever tried to change a grumpy toddler's nappy on the front passenger seat of a Kia Picanto but if you haven't I wouldn't recommend it. At one point she managed to spin herself round and it looked like we were competing in some sort of poo covered, front seat wheelbarrow race. It wasn't fun.

Eating Ice Cream Off Anna's Face

Well it is a simple as it sounds really. We were on holiday in Greece. My mum and I had taken Anna for a walk down a very quiet beach in search of an ice cream. It was out of season, on a small island so when we found an open cafe the woman working there was about as excited as we were! It didn't look like she had served anyone in some time. So Anna had pretty much eaten all of her ice cream when she decided she was finished. One of the perks of being a parent is finishing off ice creams so I quickly ate what she had left. But it was then that I realised she was covered in rapidly melting ice cream and we had no tissues, no wipes, nothing. The car was still a fair walk away and it had nothing in it anyway. I had little choice. I wiped her face with my finger and licked it clean. A few wipes and she was happy and clean. I on the other hand had just consumed second hand ice cream off a child's face. Yuck.

Vomit Covered Flight

On the way home from Greece we were trying to get Iris to sleep on the plane. The flights out she had been great and slept all the way but this time it was not going to plan. We wondered if she would be easier to settle with just one of us so Carolyn took Anna off to the toilet. Iris drank some milk with me and then started screaming again. I felt bad for Iris as she was obviously worn out and irritable. I felt bad for the people around us as they were probably worn out too and had to put up with a crying toddler on their flight! And then suddenly Iris was sick. Right down herself and me. I cuddled her and tried to get her to settle safe in the knowledge that Carolyn would be back in a minute and we would be able to get us both cleaned up. Unfortunately completely unaware of the vomit situation Carolyn had decided to take her time and give me as much time as possible to get Iris settled without any distractions! So whilst I sat cuddling a vomit covered Iris Carolyn and Anna chatted to the flight attendants and made new friends. It was probably only about five minutes but five minutes with a crying, sick covered child on an aeroplane long enough.

So there we are. Just a few disgusting stories. I'm sure I have left you looking forward to more of these high brow stories in the near future.

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