So I've reached the halfway point in my first dry January effort ever. Well I say it's my first dry January...I have in fact been sober for many a January but the last one was when I was about 14 years old and hadn't discovered alcohol yet so I'm not sure they count.
I feel I should make a confession from the outset here just so you are not under any illusions about the type of person I am. This dry January attempt is purely a selfish one. I am not raising money for charity or taking part in any other kind of 'do gooding' act. I am simply trying to see what it feels like living with blood that isn't 90% proof for a while.
In my desperate attempt to not feel so terribly alone in this horrible decision I have arbitrarily imposed on myself, I have begun scouring Twitter and Facebook to find out how others are faring. Unfortunately, the majority of normal people have fallen by the wayside at this point and are busy being back to their happy and sociable selves, basking in the warm afterglow of their latest alcohol fuelled antics. The only people left in this misery are the smug bastards - people that say wanky things such as: 'I'm totally on top of this teetolalism lark' and 'don't get boozy, watch a movie!'.
These are the sorts of people I would cross the road to avoid. Into the path of a truck.
Some on social media claim dry January should be lowering my stress and lifting my mood by now.
Bollocks is it.
But I know what would. Four letter word, starts with W and ends in E. I'm sure you can work out the complicated riddle I have provided you with.
Others try and offer advice.
'Doing dry January and heading to the pub? Why not try and mocktail, who knows what flavours you could discover?'
I can't even print what I think about that. Just....stop.
I know what you are thinking. Stop moaning and have a drink love. I wish it were that simple. But unfortunately I am incredibly stubborn when sober and at this point would rather take up crack than fail at dry January now. And yes I am aware this makes no sense considering I made this stupid decision for health reasons in the first place.
The problem is that while yes, I have lost weight, my skin is glowing, my daily gym routine and healthy eating plan is continuing uninterrupted (for a full two weeks) and I have been more productive at work than ever, I can't help feeling...well...a bit boring.
Honestly, the funniest thing that has happened to me so far in 2014 is falling over while stretching in the gym.
I do not think this is a coincidence.
Without alcohol in my life, I find I am just that little bit too sensible. I don't make bad decisions, I don't text an ex and the crab dance move stays hidden. And that is fine - welcome even - when I am at work, looking after small children or whilst operating heavy machinery. Outside of this, I'm afraid sensible just doesn't work for me.
So this January is not just 31 days without alcohol but 31 days without bad choices. And where is the fun in that?