THE BLOG
22/11/2013 10:39 GMT | Updated 25/01/2014 16:01 GMT

News Punch: The Pythons, The Police and Some Prophylactics

It's been a week of reunions and revelations this week. The first team to get back together to relive the tomfoolery of their past is G4S.

G4S to Man Gates at Glasgow Games

@benjaminpmoore: while a proper security firm will be hired to look after the people.

@GI1970: The army has cancelled all leave for next summer.

A spokesman for the firm has stated that,

@DubiousGenius: 'staff will be wearing kilts, to avoid being caught with their pants down yet again.'

He went on to add that,

@JDAllen: 'G4S will protect Glasgow during the 2014 Commonwealth Games.' No word yet on who will protect G4S from Glasgow.

And now for something completely done to death on Twitter already. It's...

Monty Python Stage a Reunion

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Image Credit @FemmeDomestique

We all remember Terry Palin, John Jones, Michael Cleese, Eric Chapman and Graham Idle with deep affection,

@DubiousGenius: but are they just flogging a dead parrot?

Potential new sketches include:

@mattfishwick: the Ministry of Silly Walking Sticks,

@GarethHeskett: Monty Pythons Mobility Scooting Circus,

and...

@RayUserNameMond: Now For Something Completely Derivative.

However...

@ArnieHaybridge: It could just be Idle gossip. But if true lots of people will be Cleesed as long as it doesn't Palin to insignificance.

And now a special feature, just because... Hey! It's News Punch, who cares?

Poetry Corner

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Photo credit: nicksarebi / Foter.com / CC BY

Caption by: @GarethHeskett

It's a well worn rumour that the police force have stitched up more people than the NHS, but now it appears that there's truth in it.

Police Doctor Their Crime Figures

@GarethHeskett: Ironically making crime healthier.

News Punch asked:

@1970RobD: Is that what you call 'Crooking the books?'

A spokesman for Scotland Yard told us,

@SquellWalsh: 'the police believe less is more when it comes to crime'.

@BadScentsHumour: Theresa May nurses a shit-storm headache as reports suggest a crime-free utopia, while in reality the nation riots.

The administrative tinkering of figures has meant that numbers from serious crimes need to be offset resulting in a curious side-effect:

@LilyWithaWhy: Callers now have to dial 99999 in an emergency,

@MCGibbo007: but only 6 out of every 4 victims are affected.

News Punch says:

@GarethHeskett: Pigs may not fly but the certainly do lie.

And finally, from Silicon Valley to silly condom folly.

Bill Gates funds 21st century condom

So many jokes... just so many...

@HADWhittacker: Marketing team hopes that it will not be branded as a 'Microsoft' product'.

@MCGibbo007: Micro and soft are 2 words no man wants associated with his penis...

@DubiousGenius: In order to boost Microsoft's market penetration,

@MCGibbo007: the condoms will have windows built in so you can still Facetime with your partner.

@DubiousGenius: They're made of Graphene, and as a consequence are revolutionising the carbon dating scene.

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Photo credit: Domain Barnyard / Foter.com / CC BY

Caption by: @TheOtterMaster

@MCGibbo007: They will be known as, 'Plug n Play Prophylactics'.

@TheSecretStream: The condoms will get hard drive diagnostics and software updates

@JDAllen: and will be peeping tom-proof. It won't work if there are too many windows open.

@LilyWithaWhy: The initial press release of "Bill opens the FloodGates" has now been withdrawn.

In favour of...

@MCGibbo007: Don't go viral. Put a Plug n Play Prophylactic on your dongle.

Experts say that it's more than just a condom,

@TheOtterMaster: 'it's a security patch for dickheads'.

Critics argue that,

@SandyFootwells: 'it's expensive to buy, provides no protection from viruses, but promises to be better by the next release'.

More News Punch next week.

*Some tweets may be edited. Original tweets can be viewed by clicking on the @ names.