08/06/2017 09:36 BST | Updated 08/06/2017 09:36 BST

Want To Live In A Trump Proxy State? Vote Conservative

Joseph Sohm-Visions of America via Getty Images

Over the course of the last 50 days, the British people have been hit by a goddamn whirlwind of shameless politicking and ineptitude.

Corny catchphrases and mean tweets have totally dominated this election, and they've replaced any sort of substance with a watery debate about non-existent independence referendums and Brexit negotiations that aren't even on the books yet. No one seems remotely interested in the country's faltering economic performance, and we're all so preoccupied with divorcing Europe that none of us have spared a minute to ponder how Thursday's result will inevitably reshape one of the globe's most influential and dysfunctional power dynamics.

So, let's take a second and address this 'yuge' and totally incompetent orange elephant in the room.

Believe it or not, Donald Trump hasn't got a whole lot of friends anymore. Five months into this nonsensical adventure in self-annihilation he's calling leadership, pretty much all of America's key allies have started to pick up their toys and go home out of sheer exhaustion.

Angela Merkel has publicly declared she's got no faith left in Washington, Emmanuel Macron relentlessly trolls the president like it's his job, Enrique Peña Nieto is still seething about that "beautiful" border wall and pretty much all of Europe has turned its back on Trump after his decision to actively ignore climate change. Nobody in their right mind wants to work with the guy, because he's more interested in his Twitter mentions than he is about racial inequality, economic stability and a functional political process.

Yet for whatever reason, Theresa May seems to think Trump is really on to something.

Ever since her undemocratic coronation, May has repeatedly bent over backwards to accommodate the sadistic whims of America's boisterous new autocratic debutante. She pats him on the back for dropping bombs in Syria, blindly followed Trump's laptop ban on flights from the Middle East and opted to defend him for leaking state secrets to the Russians. Hell, the Prime Minister backed down over a halt on information-sharing with America after just one day because Trump assured her everything was gravy.

Zoom out for a bit of context, and it's not hard to see why - because the two leaders have got a lot more in common than most of us should care to admit. And it goes well beyond their shared love of Thatcher and the odd holding of hands.

Both Trump and May have been tirelessly campaigning as champions of the little guy, while simultaneously and knowingly enacting policies that devastate the working class. And both have gone out of their way to introduce ridiculously harsh and shamelessly populist policies on immigration that have piqued racial tension. Hate crimes in England and Wales have shot up by 100 percent, and the Southern Poverty Law Center in America has chalked up more than 1,800 hate crimes since Trump was elected to power.

Privatisations, nuclear weapons, the eradication of public services, huge cuts to education - the list goes on and on. Theresa May didn't even have the gall to tell her mate off for endangering the lives of future generations by pulling out of the Paris Agreement - but then again, why would she? Her first act of business last year was to abolish the Department of Energy and Climate Change and place fracking's number-one fan in charge of Britain's environmental affairs.

The bottom line is this: we all know Donald Trump is a very real threat to global stability, the economy and our environment. But Theresa May is marching to the beat of the same drum. That makes the Prime Minister, along with every single voter she represents, complicit in all of Trump's catastrophic blunders.

Go ahead and let that sink in on the way to your local polling station.

Do you want to live in a racially divided country whose 'strong and stable' leader is constantly at the beck and call of a goddamn looney toon villain and his self-serving agenda? Do you want your government standing in the way of progress, and shuffling its feet on the wrong side of history?

If so, then go ahead and vote Conservative.

But if you're after someone with a bit more integrity - if you don't want Britain to end up turning into a feckless Trump proxy state - you've got to put your money where your mouth is, get out there on polling day and stand up for what's right. Cast your ballot for a party who's willing to stand against brazen tyranny, and send Theresa May a message she won't soon forget.

Your future, and the future of everything you know and love about this country, absolutely depends on it.