29/11/2013 07:23 GMT | Updated 28/01/2014 05:59 GMT

What Kind of Week Has It Been? 29 November 2013

The laughable satellite interview of news

In one form or other, this has been a week of momentous statements.

Alex Salmond released his Mission Statement for Independence (Unofficial Title - 'Scotland: It'll Be Fine!'), a piece of work so large it could flatten Falkirk if dropped from a big enough height. Within minutes Alastair Darling and I think Mary Doll from Rab C Nesbitt were criticising it, but of course they would have done exactly that even if the SNP were proposing to buy every Scot a unicorn. Though knowing the SNP, they probably are. And of course, when I say Rab C's wife leads the Scottish Labour Party I'm only joking. Because the real Mary Doll is actually a big advocate for Independence.

Salmond and co want to break from perfidious Albion and there's not many people that better embody that from which they want to break that Attorney General and Marty McFly's Dad lookalike Dominic Grieve. He's been the latest to add to the Tory Anthology of Stupid Quotes with his suggestion that all the Pakistanis are corrupt. Thankfully though, British politics is slightly cleaner this week as Andrew's Mitchell's pronouncements on the plebby nature of the police were definitely made up, thus closing another pointless Gate in politics.

A much more serious issue though is the border at Gibraltar (where there were actual gates) as a diplomatic bag was searched. It's a serious breach of international protocol. Perhaps the guards have seen Lethal Weapon 2 too many times?

If resignations end up resulting from the diplomatic incident on The Rock, the parties involved would do well to avoid the method used by a disgruntled PWC employee, who proved in a mic-dropping exit that Beyonce's influence even extends to auditing.

And speaking of burning bridges, close friends Tony Blair and Rupert Murdoch aren't talking anymore. The reason? Turns out Tony Blair and Wendi Deng were talking much too much for Rupert's comfort. If that means what everyone reckons it does, it gives Brooks and Coulson a run for their money in the "Ewwww!" stakes.

It's not been a great week all told for older men with international brides substantially younger than them, as John Darwin, he who pretended to be Harold Bishop with a view to getting some insurance cashmonies, has been busted for trying to get himself a Ukranian mail order bride while on probation. His reaction was philosophical to the point of completely missing the gravity: "Well, I'll have an even bigger headache then".

Nobody could accuse Pope Francis of not being aware of the moment, as his debut encyclical Yeezus (sorry, Evangelii Gaudium. Yeezus is from the other fella who does God's work on earth. Work like this). In the months since his Papacy began, Pope Francis has managed to be that rarest of things, a senior cleric that is a genuine Christian example. He really is a top priest.

You have to wonder what it is he'd think of the Bull's of Cornwall, who have lost their appeal at the Supreme Court over their resolution that unmarried couples - and certainly not gay unmarried couples - not share a room in their house. And by house, I mean B&B. No sex before marriage doesn't count as a business plan, who knew?

If that whole thing sounds unbelievably quaint it wasn't the only thing that had you wondering if your ears were functioning, as Prince William proved to be an unlikely (and somewhat ironic) harmony partner for Bon Jovi and Taylor Swift singing Living On A Prayer. But the "Hey Wait A MInute!" moment of the week definitely goes to Lindt, for their brazen attempt to lighten their Easter stocks.

And finally, spare a thought for animated waxwork and pan-disgraced ex-Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi, who has finally been turfed out of parliament following his tax fraud conviction. Being a political outcast probably won't affect him too much: the wilderness would make for a decent tax shelter.