28/03/2014 07:16 GMT | Updated 27/05/2014 06:59 BST

What Kind of Week Has It Been? 28 March 2014

The Conscious Uncoupling of News

What do you get when you mix faint vanity and altruism? A bloody successful charity campaign, that's what. For the last few weeks people have been taking pictures of themselves sans make up and donating a few bob to Cancer Research while they're at it. Initial eye-rolling was replaced by dilated pupils when the hard figures rolled in. Except, some people were so willing to get in on the craze that they didn't quite pay attention to who they were sending money to. But Cancer's Research's loss was polar bears' gain, and after all, bears are people too.

Over in the wholly dehumanised North Korea the people's misery has been compounded by Kim Jong Un's recent uniform haircut directive. What effect this will have on Dennis Rodman is anyone's guess.

And speaking of Asian people getting a hard time, the Alliance Party's European Parliament candidate in Northern Ireland Anna Lo has been getting a slew of abuse, racist and otherwise, this week. The reason? She expressed a personal opinion about a United Ireland. This hasn't gone down well for two reasons: 1) The Alliance Party has never seen a fence they didn't want to sit on, and this is a bit of an Independent Thought Alarm for them 2) Unionists appear to think Anna Lo has magic powers that will send every Union flag waver into a trance and wake up in Dublin. It's been a particularly tetchy week for Unionists as a host of UUP councillors walked out of a talk from a Protestant woman running Irish classes in East Belfast. She reckons, rightly, that Protestants shouldn't be exempt from Irish language and culture, given how Protestants have been bloody instrumental in Irish existing in the modern era. But why let a cogent, mature approach to history get in the way of a good strop?

Such immaturity is but a solitary carbunkle on the otherwise flawless arse of Anglo-Irish relations (note to self, change this metaphor before publishing), as The Queen hosted an Irish event at Buck House this week and plans for President of Ireland / queueing aficionado Michael D Higgins' trip to the UK were also revealed. It's been a good week for visits as everyone's favourite Canadian spaceman, Commander Chris Hadfield, has appeared in possibly the best tourist endorsement video ever seen. I can see the slogans now, "Inishowen: Looks Great From Space, Also The Ground".

Back over in the UK (and very much down to earth) with politicians having precisely nothing to do but prepare for an election, Nick Clegg, the future former Deputy Prime Minister, and Nigel Farage, the UK's biggest insignificance, debated the EU on Wednesday night. Polls indicated Farage was the victor, but when respondents say things like "His facts probably weren't quite correct but I think he had an answer for a lot of things.", nobody wins. In the States, with the midterms bearing down on us in a mere seven months (not much time for CNN to give the patently unnecessary swoosh to their graphics), one prospective Senator is keen to grab our attention from the outset with a pretty terrifying extended metaphor.

But Sell-Out Of The Century, Comedy Nige and The Scary Pig Lady weren't the only people in contentious mood this week. Max Clifford, PR guru to the stars and alleged prospective subject of Godfrey Jones' Rock Bottom, has been wanting to set the record straight. His penis is not freakishly small. At least he knows how to get the word out.