13/02/2015 08:00 GMT | Updated 15/04/2015 06:59 BST

They Live Among Us....

It has recently become apparent to me that little sorcerers have infiltrated the Walker Camp. Disguised as our offspring too, would you believe! I am in increasing awe - or is it fear?! - of their ability to apply mastery and cunning in a plethora of situations. I now present to you the various guises they assume and the mysterious happenings surrounding them in an attempt to persuade you: this is no trick of my frazzled mind!

1) The Poltergeist Effect: Observed to be most heightened during play-dates. Barely blink and there's Lego hurtling across the room, upturned furniture, spillages, dollies hanging from the plant pots creating a gruesome battlefield scene. Unfortunately there's no Mary Poppins Effect to counteract it.

2) Telepathy in Action: Some would say it's a conspiracy, I say it's telepathy. Either way there's no chance anyone is getting a lie in in this house! Black out blinds, Gro-Clocks, late bedtime, bribery, it's all out thwarted by good old telekinesis! If one child is asleep the other JUST SENSES it's time to kick start the wide-awake club. I've observed this to be most effective following a parental date night, late night (especially when combined with alcohol) or bout of insomnia.

3) Extra Sensory Perception: Mush, blend, cover in sauce, cover in cheese, distraction, bribery - there's no chance that vegetable is making it within an inch of this mini mystic's chops. They JUST KNOW that veg is lurking! But hey, I guess when you're superhuman, who needs vegetables anyway?!


4) Force-field Production: 'Hot. Tea. Detected. Employ. Swift. Defensive. Action. GO GO Impenetrable Force Field!'. This ensures the tea isn't interfered with until it's at least a few degrees cooler. Also a highly effective strategy for cooling hot dinners, toast, baths... anything that is most enjoyed warm. And on the rare occasion the force field fails, they can do distraction tactics too y'know.

5) Time Warping: Only these otherworldly beings can explain how time is lost during the small tasks of tooth-brushing, coat buttoning and shoe fastening - suddenly half an hour has disappeared into the vortex and we're late! This, I've found, is most frequently used when preparing for the morning school run. And if for any reason it fails, there's always a plan B. Simply employ the emergency dump tactic - the last minute toilet dash is declared whilst crossing the threshold of the front door and guarantees another twenty minutes are lost into oblivion.

6) But thank goodness for the Jet Propulsion Scooter! Which seems to take on a mind of it's own when ridden by our celestial incarnation, especially when near busy roads, crowds of people or market stalls turning the school run into an adrenaline filled extreme sport.

7) Memory Manipulation: "But Mummy you DID say we could have a treat... but you prommmmissed...." etc.

8) Environment Adaptation: Similar to the Poltergeist Effect but there's more refined wizardry at work when repeatedly transporting pebbles and hair-clips back into the washing machine. Not to mention my shoes /jewellery / scarves that disappear and reappear under the eldest mystic being's bed. Spooky!

9) The Regenerative Healing Factor: Seriously. The injuries we have endured, the screams and wails indicating a limb is at stake, the desperate pleas to make it better - within seconds the cut / graze or scrape is miraculously healed with the help of a small unassuming prop: The Princess Plaster!

10) Last but not least. The Visited and the Reincarnated Ones: 'I don't like the boy in the garden' our eldest once claimed. The other insists on calling her sibling 'Heena' the name of a celebrated police dog of the Mumbai Police that died in 2005. Creeeepy.

Unearthly? I'm convinced they're all around us - I bet you have some in your household too attempting to outwit you at every step through the power of the paranormal...

Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this, why not head over to Amazon and check out my children's book:


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