The Oval Office. The White House.
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, DONALD J TRUMP: Hi, Prime Minister. Great to see ya. Glad you could stop by. Did you notice your friend Winston as you came in? Great guy. The best. Knew how to win. My kind of guy. Yours too, huh? Terrific guy ... But he never got the kind of crowds I get ... did you see the inauguration? Biggest ever. No question. You could see it from the moon. They said it on Fox. Great news channel - do you get Fox in England? It's the best - I can introduce you to Rupert, you'd love him. He's terrific.
THE PRIME MINISTER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND, THERESA MAY: Mr President, it's a real honour to be the first foreign ...
TRUMP: Yeah, you're the first foreign head of state to come visit. To me, you're my Maggie. Wow, she was somethin', wasn't she? The best. We're gonna do great things together, you and me. How d'ya like the curtains, by the way? Real gold, cost a fortune. Most expensive curtains in the world. I had the old ones torn down - they were terrible. The Obamas put them up. No taste. Really, I'm tellin' ya, the worst taste ever.
MAY: Mr President, I'm not actually the head of state; that's the Queen.
TRUMP: Sure. The Queen. Lovely lady. The best. My Mom loved the Queen. But she's pretty old now, ain't she? You need to think about getting a new one. I could do you a deal on my daughter. What d'ya think? Have you seen her? Ivanka? I mean, ain't she somethin'? She'd be a great Queen of England. Of course, she's married now - Jared, lovely guy, smart as hell - but if she wasn't, well, I wouldn't mind ... But if you need any help with those Europeans, get Jared to have a word. Smart guy, believe me.
MAY: That's very kind, Mr President. I was hoping we could talk ...
TRUMP: Yeah, I know. Europe. What a bunch of losers. LOSERS! Your friend Nigel was telling me. Unbelievable. You were really smart to kick 'em out. And that other English fella who was here - Michael somethin'? Your deputy. Funny-looking fella. But smart, really smart. Wrote down everythin' I said and put it in all the papers. Did you see it? Every newspaper in the world. You're lucky to have him. Terrific guy.
MAY: I was hoping we could perhaps discuss a trade ...
TRUMP: No question. I'm the best on trade. The best president for trade in the history of the world. You want to buy our stuff - American stuff, made by Americans, none of that Mexican or Chinese crap - I can get you a great deal. I mean, look at our cars. Best in the world. Who needs those Jaguars or whatevers? You want to sell Jaguars in America, you tell 'em: build a factory in America. I'm tellin' ya: we sell three billion dollars' worth of cars to England, and then you sell eight billion dollars' worth to us. How crazy is that? It's gonna stop, believe me. Day One. It's gonna stop. You heard about my wall, huh? It's going to be a beautiful wall, you'll see, everyone agrees with me on this. I'm tellin' ya, you should build a wall along your border with France. Keep out all those illegals. I mean, no one knows who they are, right? Muslims, Iraqis, Afghanistanis - who knows who the hell they are?
MAY: If I may, Mr President, I was somewhat concerned to read ...
TRUMP: Don't believe what you read, Teri. It is Teri, right? Crooked journalists peddling their fake news - believe me, we're after them. People keep saying to me: 'Mr President, lock 'em up.' And we're working on it, trust me. Like Steve said - you've met Steve, right? Great guy, really, terrific - like he said, the media should keep their mouth shut. I'm gettin' all these calls - more calls than any president in history - and what they're all sayin' -- millions of 'em, believe me, it was on Fox - is 'Donald, you're the greatest president in the history of America, we're goin' to put you on Mount Rushmore' - do you have Mount Rushmore in England? - 'but you're goin' to have to lock up all those lyin' press people.' So, hey, I believe in the will of the people - hell, I was elected by the biggest majority in the history of the world, even though the election was rigged. Horrible, really horrible, what they did. Millions of people not voting for me. We're gonna change that. From now on, you vote for Trump, or you don't vote. Starting right now.
MAY: But torture, Mr President...
TRUMP: You bet. It works, you know that, right? Sure you do, everyone knows it. I read somewhere you guys used it with the IRA. And you beat 'em, right? So like I say, torture works. You guys understand this stuff. I saw this show on Fox where they said England was great on all those rendition flights, and black holes or whatever? So yeah, don't worry, Teri, we're with you on torture. Absolutely. One hundred per cent.
MAY: I think perhaps ...
TRUMP: Look, I need you to do somethin' for me. I've got this great golf course in Scotland - beautiful golf course, the best, and I love Scotland. My Mom was from Scotland, but listen, this weird-looking woman they've got running the place - Nicole somethin'? - I mean what is it with her? I need her to put a stop to these windmill things they keep talkin' about. Terrible idea, the worst. Can't you just grab her by the ... well, wherever - and get her to deal with it? Listen, I'll do you a deal. I'm great at deals, I'm sure you've heard, the best. You deal with Nicole or whatever, and I can sort out your little ol' Downing Street place. I mean, you gotta admit, it's horrible. It's old, and it's so small. I've seen pictures. I'll knock it down, build you a fantastic gold-plated Trump Tower, the biggest ever, and you can have the penthouse suite. I'll put in a casino too: the Trump Downing Street Casino. You and Denis - it is Denis, isn't it? - you'll love it. Trust me.
MAY: Mr President, it's been a pleasure.
WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN (later): The president had an excellent discussion with the prime minister of England, who congratulated him on being the best president the world has ever seen and attracting the biggest inauguration crowd in the history of the universe. Ever.
DOWNING STREET SPOKESMAN: The Prime Minister was delighted with her meeting with the president, who assured her that the US greatly values its historic ties with the United Kingdom. They had a broad-ranging discussion covering several major issues, and the prime minister took the opportunity to emphasise the UK's determination to work closely with the US in the coming years.