23/06/2016 12:00 BST | Updated 24/06/2017 06:12 BST

Are You 'Festival Ready', Or Just Being Body-Shamed?

Hey ladies, here's another reason to hate yourselves!

It is now entirely uncouth to suggest a woman become 'beach body' ready - thanks in huge part to the Protein World backlash - so we must find new and exciting ways to suggest that summer should somehow radically change all our beauty routines.

Now you must be 'festival ready'.

Because festivals are not simply about music and camping and drinking warm cider whilst pretending not to notice it's started lightly spitting and you forgot to pack a waterproof. They are another place to be 'ready' for, to be judged solely on your attractiveness.

It's perfectly normal to want to look nice at a festival, the same way you'd want to look nice to go to work or for an evening out, but that's not how 'festival ready' is being sold.

women festival

As a beauty journalist, my inbox is flooded with tips on how to become a bohemian goddess just in time for Glastonbury. Have brands not realised people - like me - who choose to shave their legs and enjoy wearing fake tan tend to do so all year round?

With the exception of applying more SPF, buying tiny bottles of holiday toiletries and developing a more widely-accepted penchant for tropical fragrances (I have to keep mine in check as it seems wildly unfitting wearing Bobbi Brown Beach in the rain) - a small smattering of sunshine over the summer months doesn't warrant a huge change in our regimens.

A new report showed women's body confidence is now a 'critical issue' and 'body-shaming' adverts have become so bad that London's Mayor has had to ban them from the Tube - we are in a time where 'festival ready' is more dangerous to young women than ever.

Because what it's really telling them, in its subterfuge way, is that they're not 'good enough' as they already are.

Perhaps the rise of celebrities using festivals as photo-ops is the cause of this new body-shaming buzzword. Earlier this year, Vogue even referred to Coachella as - not a festival - but a "fashion endorsed catwalk."

The truth is, unless you're Kendall Jenner at the mercy of Daily Mail commenters, no one really cares what anyone looks like at a festival - possibly because they can't see straight, but mostly because they're all there to have fun. Not to look flawless or judge people like models on a muddy runway.

Besides, it always ends the same for even the biggest makeup-lovers. You've carefully planned a whole weekend's worth of looks, but by day three, you've become a human festival that no amount of glitter is going to salvage (and you definitely didn't wake up an hour early each morning to battle fake eyelashes with the hangover shakes).

And.... it doesn't matter. Because - just as every body is 'beach body ready' - everyone is 'festival ready'. Just remember the waterproof, for your own sake.