18/03/2016 13:29 GMT | Updated 16/03/2017 05:12 GMT

Dawn of the Depression

**Trigger Warning - I'm talking about Depression here ... Which you probably guessed from the title**

Alternative title: Quite frankly I would rather have shaved the chapped arse of a grumpy grizzly bear with a blunt razor than try to drag my own sorry ass out of bed. But drag my sorry ass out of bed I did ... In doing so I left a part of me huddled under the duvet drowning in nightmares sobbing silently, the part of me dressing for work was nothing more than a mere husk, a husk carrying a demon, a demon that spreads sickness throughout your body as you hide behind the simple words "I'm fine, just fine".

I'm not sure how I ended up tumbling back into that darkness, the familiar bite of pain ebbing it's way in with each breath I took, slowly becoming all consuming as the demon whispered "you are mine my dear, you are mine".

Not to sound too cliche but I had unraveled ... I sat amongst the crumbled remains of all I had worked on, the apparent ruins of therapy, all the positives falling to the ground like sand through fingers. Forgetting all I had achieved, writing curse words in the dust. The demon telling me that there is no antidote to the poison, that I will never be without it, that eventually it is all I will ever know.

The demon lies ... I know it lies ... So why is it so damned difficult to ignore it? To tell it that whatever it's selling, you ain't interested? To simply tell it that it's wrong, that you're stronger than that, that you deserve better than that, that your life is not going to be defined by this very moment of impending implosion but by happier times?

It worms it's way into every cell in your body and convinces it that what it's feeling is justified, that you are a fool to think otherwise ...

After all, you can still function on some level (even if that means sitting in a daze just wondering what the hell is the point of everything) and you can hide behind a Cheshire Cat grin and you can pretend that everything is fine ... Just fine. Fine and dandy to the point of nicking that Oscar right out of Leo's grasp (sorry dude but you should totally see my "I'm in complete control" face when in reality it feels as though my insides have coiled around each other, twisting tighter and tighter).

You can function ... And that's all people see.


"We humans look rather different from a tree. Without a doubt we perceive the world differently than a tree does. But deep down, at the molecular heart of life, the trees and we are essentially identical" - Carl Sagan ❤️ (This pic is from my Insta if you want to bob by and say hi).

So folks, how do you deal with your demons? I am going to crawl into bed and try to sleep and hope that I feel strong enough tomorrow to reign in the Depression (not that it'll be too chuffed with that turn of events).

R x

PS - To anyone suffering today, have a ((massive squidgy Ruebi huggle)). Stay strong lovelies.

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