10/02/2017 06:09 GMT | Updated 11/02/2018 05:12 GMT

Project You V Project Baby

Through working with my clients and my own personal experience it has become clear to me that the thoughts, feelings and beliefs we experience on our fertility journey are not caused by or specific to our fertility journey. They are thoughts and beliefs we have about ourselves and life generally that we bring to our fertility journey. Like seeing our fertility experience through scratched glasses.

In the midst of our journey I became aware that I believed I didn't deserve good things, that there was something wrong with me. I thought other people got the things they wanted in life so much easier than me. I absolutely believed that about having children, however I could also begin to see how I had the same beliefs about everything in life such as work, money and relationships. These limiting beliefs were my scratched lenses I was looking at life through.

My limiting beliefs were being exaggerated and highlighted on the fertility journey. It was as if a spotlight were shining on them. That is what we do, see circumstances thought our habitual thought patterns, but then think it is the circumstances creating our experience. These thought patterns affect all areas of our life but can be more pronounced or come to the surface through the extreme emotional experience of infertility.

I decided to go on a journey, a journey to let go of these beliefs, a journey to discover who I really was. I'd spent so many years trying to please other people and meet other people's expectation I'd lost a sense of who I was, my passions and desires in life. To begin my journey of self-discovery, I took myself on a retreat (spending five days at a convent!) to be with myself, to be with my feelings, most of which I had been burying over the years. I realised I was scared to feel them, to accept them. So time without distractions of work, internet, email etc. would enable me to spend time being myself and accepting and being with my feelings.

We are so focused on project baby when what would help us most is taking a step back and focussing on project you. Seeing through the illusion of our habitual thoughts grants us new a perspective on circumstances. It gives us clarity. It gives us inner strength we were born with. It free us to re-connect to our innate well-being. These thoughts and beliefs are not who we are, just habitual thought patterns about life and ourself we have picked up along the way, particularly from childhood.

Some people are scared about moving their focus away from their fertility, taking their foot off the gas on project baby. Often this fear is because they're scared of their biological clock ticking. In my experience, taking a short time to focus on you, to find that place of peace without giving up, can buy you time. Being in the optimum state psychologically can help you be in the optimum state physically. There is a growing body of studies that are demonstrating the power of the mind and the body. The mind and body are one system. My wife and I got pregnant naturally against all odds, I've seen the same with my clients. Letting go of the under-current of fear, not deserving, or other thoughts lets us flow again in life.

What are your scratched glasses of habitual thinking (stories you tell yourself) that are creating your experience of your circumstances?

How would it be if you were to let them go by focussing on project you. The more you focus on project you, project baby tends to take more care of itself.