THE BLOG
24/09/2015 08:46 BST | Updated 24/09/2016 06:12 BST

Everyday Donalds

When I read about Donald Trump's recent comments regarding German supermodel, Heidi Klum, it resurfaced some frankly comical yet wildly offensive male behaviours I have had the honour of witnessing, so I figured, why not share them? They did.

It's been my experience to know a few pigs; haven't we all. But the ones who delight in saying they'd 'tap that', or indeed would go nowhere some beautiful successful female celebrity are usually physically repellent, single, a chauvinist, seem to think they are 'a big deal', talk utter shit.

Starting with Donald; not the thing dreams are made of, unless you like your men with loofah like hair and strongly resembling an old leather boot, why on earth would he think the smart, successful and beautiful Klum who want to rub up against his permatan anytime soon? Maybe his success and celebrity empower him to think like a dick out loud, but it's the everyday Donalds that really hit the spot.

My first E.Ds were a collection of social outcasts mangled together at an online dating site for married people. No not Ashley Madison, but I'm sure it has a similar vibe. I worked there because honestly, I was flat out of work; that is the only reason anyone sane could work at a place like this. It was a fascinating experience for all the wrong reasons, but let's keep this piece dedicated to those who definitely laughed and heartily agreed with Trump's comments when they read them.

First there was a chart drawn for me on the office whiteboard. After telling them my age and getting the 'over 35, single - ouch,' comments out of the way, a male drew a curved line with a marker to indicate the loss of a woman's appeal once they hit 30. Yep. That's where the line dropped like a mountainside. Other delights included a newly, poorly placed CEO telling me he dreamt about me in the first week, to letting me go a few months later when he knew, I knew, he was a sexist dick.

He was physically very similar to Donald, only with no success, leering over innocent young girls in the office, not hiring others if they were 'chunky', and checking out any new female members posting their explicit images online and giving his opinion to their bits. 'Fugly' was always a buzzword here. And yes, the CEO (Can't Even Operate), was single, forty plus and dyed his hair a lovely shade of aubergine. Miley Cyrus was his crush; I think you can take that call you're waiting on, Miley's busy. Forever.

That's really the tip of the iceberg there, but you get my drift. They all thought they were the shit, when in fact they were just shit - at life.

Next we have a guy who I didn't dislike to be honest, it was just a bit cringy to watch him verbally throw himself on beautiful young things each morning. Another late forties male; physically he embodied a modern day Mick Hucknell/Bill Bailey hybrid, only without their talent or success - yet again.

I only worked with him for a number of days before he told me it wasn't working out, but didn't understand why I didn't try to prove him wrong. You know what, it wasn't working out.

His vintage store had been one that I'd admired until I sampled the day to day. Moth eaten clothes, faked heritage and my favourite, a 'Dior' dress that never was. Passers-by thought it was a charity shop as it looked so bleak, but they probably had better stock. This was his empire though, his castle and a hotbed for hipsters and young beauties to peruse the rails.

He literally stalked them as prey from the minute the front door bell chimed out. Tossing his thinning greasy ginger locks back like a pigeon puffing his feathers (I can't say peacock, too prime), as he went in for the kill. 'What do you do?' was his favourite line as I watched girl after girl awkwardly but politely back away from the sad Dad figure. He did really think he had a chance? He was he that deluded?

The one woman who was interested in him, blanked me as she came in most days and lingered after his fading gigolo prowess. She was not good enough for him; they once smoked opium together and she begged him for sex, but clearly she wasn't his type. INTERESTED.

Obviously these men are not the measure of most. Not worthy of today's world they hark back to the good old days where women accepted their lot in life and any attention given to them. I can only hope that secretly these rejects of today know that they repel all functioning females of sound mind, thus act in a way that ensures them no action, ever.

The underlying theme I take away from my colorful transactions with the E.Ds is that they were somehow annoyed at me for not feeling old, past it and unattractive due to my 'age'. They wanted me to feel angry that my bum isn't as perky as Miley's, or that my single status is a noose placed around my neck via my ageing. Because when it's not, it's a mirror they don't want to look in. Sorry about that chaps.

Like Cameron Diaz quite brilliantly stated when discussing females ageing: 'It's as though we've failed.' For me, this is everything guys like Donald believe. So believe me when I say, it's the best failure I've ever had. And will continue to enjoy well into my 'later years'. That's right Donald; LATER is all you deserve to hear. If you still can, in that ear.