It's a beautiful day!
I grew up thinking that no-one really loved me. I believed that I was to this and too that. I thought that I was too demanding and too loud. Too 'bouncy' and too annoying. Just not right, and definitely not enough to be loved.
This is a belief that I carried with me for so many years despite my mother and father desperately pleading with me, to see how much they loved me. I don't believe I ever really saw it, although I guess that at the time I didn't want to. Why would I want to undermine my belief and make myself wrong leaving me in even more uncertainty and confusion than I was already in?
Anyway, the truth is that for a long time it's been a lonely road. I made it like that, but Id never have admitted it even 5 years ago. I kept myself at a distance from pretty much everyone. Friends and family. Made myself different. Gave myself a reason to affirm my belief.
Then. Something amazing happened. I came to Indonesia. It was only supposed to be a 6 week trip, but here I am 12 weeks later.
From long before my trip, with all the work I have done on myself and through my own work as a coach, I have become a different person from the girl who believed that nobody loved her, and if you asked my parents or my sisters, they will tell you that. There is no lie in what I do or who I have become. What I share really is who I am. I still have my quirks, and I'm still every day working to better myself, but from whichever perspective you take. I've travelled a long and beautifully winding road and I'm not where I was.
Throughout these last 12 weeks, I have met some amazing people and enjoyed working with and socializing with a number of them. My friends and family at home have stayed in touch with me, making it clear how much they miss me pointing out specifics about my laugh and my presence that feels lacking when I am not around. It has meant so much to hear, but particularly now with 5 days to go. Everyone seems to be counting down the days. I can feel the excitement. I had no idea anyone felt like that about me. Not really.
I've been totally grateful until today.
Today I received an email from a girl that I met from New York who flew to Thailand to spend some time with me before she went home. She was updating me on her last few weeks and she ended the email saying 'miss your sparkle and your laugh!'
Nothing has ever hit me as much as that did. Someone who barely knew me affirming what my friends and family had been saying for years. What a beautiful gift to give me. No underlying motive for saying it, not knowing that for years I felt unloved. Just an honest statement, which has spoken to my heart in such a profound way making me laugh and cry at the same time.
Sometimes it takes a stranger to help you to hear. That's why I love being a coach.
Some of you may not understand that, but when you have believed something about yourself for such a long time and you finally find out that it isn't true. It's a truly magical thing. Life changing. Most people spend their whole lives never finding out. Living this story of who they believe they are. Never really learning the truth. Do you tell yourself stories about who you are? Believe certain things about what is possible for you? Have an idea about what people think or feel about you? If you are the 0.000000001% of the population who answer 'no' to that question, let me be the first to congratulate you. If you answered yes like the rest of us, maybe you could ask yourself whether there is a chance that like me, you might be wrong in your belief?
So here I am again. Being authentic. Trying to make a small difference to people's lives by being brave enough to open my heart and share with you the truth of what's inside hoping that one day, you will all be brave enough to do the same thing and take the blindfolds off in the way that I have to live your full potential as the person that you really are, as opposed to the person that you believed you were.
'Mostly, I miss your laugh and sparkle'
All my life I never knew I had a sparkle. What a revelation.
Thank you Janelle, and thank you to everyone who through out my last 3 months has reminded me that I am loved exactly how I am.