31/03/2013 06:13 BST | Updated 24/05/2013 06:12 BST

Evolution: Chuck Norris and Angry Birds

The theory of Evolution is a fascinating one. Some people treat is as gospel, whereas others treat Gospel as gospel. Whatever floats your gullible boat. Either way, it's a theory that answers many questions but presents us also, with many questions. It may explain where we came from, but not where we're going. Here, I endeavour to answer this question and satisfy your curiosity, vis a vis how humans will both act and look in the future.

Now, according to artistic scientists, the path of Evolution has led us to where we are today and the peak of human Evolution comes, apparently in the form of Chuck Norris. If you don't believe me, a simple Google image search for human evolution will settle this......See?

It's difficult to deny Chuck's place at the top of the evolutionary tree, but where do we go from here? With human life being at its current, lofty heights of amazingness, it's difficult to imagine a future in which humans can possibly improve from this point. If you feel this way, you'll be forgiven for doing so, mainly because it's true. Unfortunately, contrary to 1980s optimistic irritant popette, Yazz, the only way is not up, but down, down a perpetual plug hole of misery and futility.

If you spend any amount of time on public transport, particularly in our anti-social, paranoid, abrasive capital city, you'll notice that the vast majority of people neither talk nor look at each other and instead opt to waste away their existences in the soul-destroying cesspool of social media, angry birds, BBC iPlayer and other such pointlessly depressing activities found on smart phones. Actually, you probably haven't noticed this, as you've probably been preoccupied with seeing if you can achieve three stars on that tricky level on the Death Star. You know, the one with all the bits of concrete that deflect laser fire. Either that or you were updating your Facebook with a profile status about how comfortable your new shoes are, suffixed with the inevitable death rattle of 'lol'.

People just don't talk to each other any more, or even pay the slightest bit of attention to their surroundings. Why? Is the world really that terrible? Actually, fair play, but the point remains. People do not engage in eye contact with their fellow humans, nor do they engage in conversation that involves actual sound waves emanating from an orifice, other than the anus, which in itself creates an even greater atmosphere of anti-social awkwardness than before.

With this in mind, I can only surmise that humans will, in time dispense with the unused items of their anatomy, starting with vocal chords and eyes. There's no place for speech in modern society, so they are naturally first to go, followed by eyes, which we've established are surplus to requirement. Eyes will be replaced augmented reality smart phone monitors, made by either Apple or Android, depending on how you choose to live your sorry life. Why look at the street ahead of you, when you can instead find your way with real time Google Street View? This development will, of course, render all people resembling a footballer whose Alice band has slipped forward, much like 1980s ocular decoration pioneer, Geordi LaForge, which, to be fair, is pretty awesome.

The next amendment is to hands. If humans are to reach their full potential, they must improve their dexterity. Thumbs need to be narrower, in order to maximise scrolling, selecting and photo-tagging. The only other necessary digit will be the middle finger, used for bum-scratching, takeaway-selecting, bird-flipping and lift-button-pressing. The finger will both longer and thinner, resulting in hands that resemble a two prong pitch fork.

Finally and most importantly, humans will become equipped with a tray attached to their chins, much like the ones found underneath George Foreman Grills, only instead of catching surplus fats, they'll catch the overflowing, putrid vomit of self-importance that spews from the gob holes of humans.

This, of course, is a work in progress. I'm keen to polish this theory for general publication, but first I need more specifics. Please, take a moment from your Angry Birds-playing to type out a tweet to me, using your surplus fingers and unbecoming thumbs, with your ideas. What's next for humans?