This article was originally published in She is Sacred
One morning I woke up, and the fogginess was gone. For the first time in almost five years, a part of my post natal depression diminished. I could see clearer. The days were not completely cloudy and rainy anymore. As I looked outside at my surroundings, the sun's rays streamed through, making everything I saw look brighter. For the first time, in such a long time, I started to feel again. I was able to feel the rays wrap onto my arms. The warmth of the sun, it felt so soothing. I started to feel alive again, human again, a wife again, and most of all, a mother again.
Post natal depression (PND), plays tormenting games and tricks with the victim. Like a demon dancing around a flame, prodding and poking with a stick, PND is curious to seek what kind of reaction the victim will give. The victim lashes out like fire balls spitting out of the flame, only to miss the demon. Smart, sly, a quick thinker, the demon sprays the flame with water. Out the flame goes, and only smoke hovers around. The smoke gets thick and gloomy. My being, my 'self' is lost in the haze, wondering aimlessly, empty and desolate.
Regret. Self-disgust. Remorse. Grief. Sorrow.
These feelings of doubt, anger and sadness, chained and cultivated the very essence of my existence. PND made me suffer, agonize, ache for how I felt and how I treated my husband and son. Instead of punishing myself everlastingly over my PND, it was time to break away from the twilight. It was time to reclaim myself.
Reclaiming myself did not happen overnight.
In fact, it has taken me nearly two years to rid the silent disease that has infected me for such a long time. It was not easy. At first it felt like I was crawling the floors aimlessly in the pitch black space. Then sparks of sunlight would gleam through the cracks of the walls. There is hope. The start of my journey was in the hands of my health professionals, which preceded to medication. During this time of transition with the meds, I tumbled down the rabbit hole, almost took my life and was hospitalized. PND almost defeated me. Death almost won. Instead I came face to face with death and my PND. I climbed back up, stopped the medication, and turned to a more wholesome way of life. Through meditation and pilates, the healing properly began, and then, unexpectedly I slipped up once again. Sadly, I ended back in hospital, however this time just for the night. Yet long enough for me to realize I wanted this vicious cycle to stop.
Over and over, the mist tried to sweep me back into darkness, blinding my eyes, whispering the song of loneliness.
All the same, feeling that warmth of the sun again blinds the dim corners of the earth, my soul and my mind. Beyond shadow of doubt I can believe in myself again. I can believe that I am a decent worthy human being, wife and mother. To be able to grasp the humour in things again, to fall in love with my husband again, to be able to play with my son - all these are making me live again.
These days, I am still reclaiming, still healing, still recovering. There are sometimes moments of fear and as a consequence, I am lured back into the darkness. However, it is only for a short moment of time before I am reeled back into the light. It takes patience, the training of the mind, the cleansing of the soul to reach back to some sort of equilibrium.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said,
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.
You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."
You have to take control of your demons, look at them in the eye and overcome it with love, kindness, self-worth. Most of all, to believe in one's self is they key to unlocking all the regrets, doubts, troubles and fears that were once embedded in the soul.