Listening to the news about NICE turning down yet another cancer drug has made me very sad and a little puzzled. In the space of 10 days two new drugs - Kadcyla and Abiraterone, that would give valuable extra time to breast and prostate cancer sufferers respectively, have been refused because of cost.
Leaving hospital I can't help but notice a difference in me; I've lost a lot of strength and really struggle to climb the stairs. I'm very, very tired. Then the dark thoughts start swirling around my mind - is this ever going to get better? Is this now the beginning of the end that I keep talking about? Has my determination finally run out? Can I feel the fingers of death on the edge of my consciousness?
Ten years ago aged 37, Kylie Minogue was treated for breast cancer. In a recent TV interview on Australia's Sunday night's 60 Minutes she was asked about that time in her life. She became visibly emotional and eventually described experiencing a "mixture of emotions and memories, when you are fighting something unknown".
Although it seems a lifetime ago, it feels like yesterday. Time doesn't heal; it just makes grief go out of focus. And anything can bring it sharply back again: a photograph, a scent, a memory or just the endless yearning pall of homesickness so familiar to people who've lost their parents too early.
Hearing the news that someone you love has just been diagnosed with breast cancer is devastating. It's challenging to know what to say or how to act around them but you do know that you're going to offer them your full support, and that is critical in their journey to recovery.
Recently I've had whole brain radiotherapy, which wasn't too bad and so far has really worked! Lots of the numb parts of my face have feeling again and the headaches have gone. So even though my fluffy hair has fallen out again I'm happy I had it. Now the boring 'sick person' bit is over with, I'll tell you all about my adventures!
For me, breast cancer is both personal and professional. My sister, Adrienne, has breast cancer. Adrienne's cancer has spread to her bones, known as secondary breast cancer, for which there is currently no cure.
I felt guilty as I slid the 'Get Well Soon' card into the recycling bin. I'd only just read it after excitingly tearing it open in the rare occasion that a hand-written envelope came through my letterbox. But the words on the front of the card just filled me with tears... 'Get Well Soon'.
I don't know how many days I have so each one has to count but we should all take note of this and make the effort to do something each day for ourselves, it doesn't have to be big things it can just be little things like reading the book you always meant to but never find the time. It's so easy to fall into the go to work, get home tired, deal with kids, sit in front of the telly and go to bed.
How on earth can cow's milk be considered an essential part of our diet when its purpose is to feed calves until they are old enough to be weaned? How does it make any sense at all that people are supposed to have it? Just because we have been doing it for centuries does not mean it is rational or good for us; it just means it was an available food source at some point, and has since become an acceptable part of the human diet.
For the last year and a half, I have taken a photo of myself almost every day using an app to track my hair growth. I started three months after chemo finished, which is why I look like a baby chick in the initial pics. I also went make-up free in all the photos so that I could track my eyelash and eyebrow growth - a whole year of no make-up selfies, if you will.
Recovering from breast cancer treatment isn't just about the medication and the affects it had on your body; it's also about healing your mental state and grasping that new outlook on life. Post cancer, I now think of my life in 2 parts; my 'old' life and my 'new' life and in the latter, I take more time in making my decisions whilst also seeking new experiences.
So it's happened then. The moment I have spent the last three and a half years running away from has happened. The moment when the doctor says the chemotherapy isn't working anymore and there are no more options left. The moment when you are signed off to let nature take its course.
It's funny how our bodies just seem to know what is best for us and where we should be. My body made a decision for me two weeks ago. And as these things often seem to happen with my life, this decision came about in a very roller coaster way.
Oncology season is approaching again. Next month, I will arrive with sweaty palms and dry mouth at the hospital which summons supressed fear the moment the A-road heralds the big 'H' signpost.
We've made great progress in overcoming breast cancer in the last 20 years, but there is still much more to do as it is still the most common form of cancer. With Walk the Walk's generosity we can continue to fund vital projects to ensure that more lives are saved from breast cancer in the future.