Please don't lunge at me the Christmas office party, I don't care that you're wife is having an affair with the post man or that you can afford to take me to a fancy hotel, I will have play no part in your latest mid-life crisis. Put down the whisky and take your receding hair-lined face home.
I take another glance at the unwarranted queue at the bar and breathe a heavy sigh at the thought of queuing twenty minutes for a bog standard lager served in a plastic cup. And then, it happens. I reach into my pocket and remove the packet of fruit flavoured ant-acid tablets.
As I was tried and failed to moderate, not yet ready to consider giving up totally myself, I watched sober people with a new sense of awe and admiration. Not only did they not drink alcohol, they appeared content with their ways and looked happy.
I was torn. Undecided. I had planned a trip to the cinema with a friend yet despite having you all to myself the last three nights, I was tempted. It was becoming routine, more serious but still, a very attractive proposition.
I was recently shortlisted in the 'best blogger' category at the UK Dating Awards. Let me start by saying I did not win. I did not even get a 'special mention'. My writing received no recognition whatsoever. In terms of debauchery and self-ridicule, however, I swept the board.