Do you want my alternative, semi-serious take on the Nick vs Nigel clash over Europe, Ed Miliband's 'weirdness' and Kermit the Frog's opposition to Scottish independence? Here's the political week in 60 seconds.
We know that domestic violence is one of the major threats to women's health and well-being. Women between 15-44 are more at risk from domestic violence than they are from cancer. Two women a week are killed by a partner or ex-partner. Yet while reports of domestic violence have risen under this government, 13% fewer cases are being passed by the police to the Crown Prosecution Service for decisions on charging.
We have known about excessive profits for years. Year on year we saw companies making billions in profits and then hiking their prices again just months later... I have not always agreed with my Party that Ofgem should be abolished, but my faith in them has hit rock bottom. I have to ask myself why this has not been done sooner.
Our increasing distance from politicians is justified because true vulnerability, the very emotion that makes us human, is so lacking in political discourse. It's no wonder that we are charmed by BoJo's blundering candour. He's the only person in political office who has taken the risk of revealing his weird self.
It can sometimes stick in the throat to hear these politicians eulogising about "honour" when they seem so short of it themselves... Nick Clegg praised Tony Benn for being a "fervent defender of what he believed in", seemingly forgetting his own paltry commitment to defend students from a hike in tuition fees.
Despite being the government department charged with representing the interest of business around the Cabinet table, the Department of Business, Innovation and Skills has worryingly little direct input from the business sector when it comes to conducting their own work.
Current structures are not well organised to locate children like these, nor provide essential early help. As re-organisation follows re-organisation, and with reduced budgets, the inevitable step is to focus on the most urgent situations.
We've learnt a lot since the prospect of fracking for shale gas first reared its head in the UK. One thing hasn't changed though - fracking remains incompatible with building the kind of green energy future we need to avert the very worst climate change.
An exciting story, and a poignant one in equal measure: a clear blue day, a reliable Boeing 777, and an experienced crew. Then, nothing. You've thought about the paradoxical nature of the story for weeks...
Nationwide implementation of the living wage would harm employment prospects for the lowest paid and those aiming to join the labour market, stifle any chance of a business led recovery and provide more money for the Treasury, not for hardworking people.
As long as the debate on immigration is hijacked by the most self-righteous on the left and those pursuing a divisive, xenophobic, anti-welfare agenda on the right, a sensible discussion remains out of the question. If such extremism and infighting among the political classes continue to dominate the debate, the concerns of ordinary people will doubtless go ignored for the sake of political point-scoring.
George Osborne spoke for 55 minutes on Wednesday afternoon but, amid the bluster and the boasts, failed to mention the cost of living crisis even once. Instead, this out-of-touch Chancellor used the Budget to claim that everything is going smoothly, when we all know he has missed his targets on growth, living standards and on balancing the books by 2015.
With a budget that achieves the exact opposite of the objectives the Chancellor has set himself we are all wondering what will come out of the Ministry of Truth next. A Localism Act that centralises planning perhaps; or a Big Society that cuts benefits for the poor and vulnerable?
It is clear that David Cameron's backbenchers have lost faith and the public have lost trust. We all know that the EU needs to change, and we must not be complacent about the challenges that Europe faces today. That is why Ed Miliband set out last week a set of sensible and serious reforms that would work to make the EU work better for Britain.
After decades of pensions and savings policy being the 'Cinderella' of Treasury priorities - George Osborne today unleashed reforms for the thrifty that are bound to capture the imagination of the very voters on which he now pins his hopes.
Politicians from all parties have traditionally struggled to make their rhetoric on immigration chime with the British public's views. New findings from Ipsos MORI showing a divergence of public opinion on the subject, may explain why.