Three whole months went by after the miscarriage and it got harder to deal with the more negative pregnancy tests that I took. Then in the February, I finally tested positive and it was a very mixed-emotion moment for both myself and my fiancé. After having one healthy pregnancy and a baby boy, to having a miscarriage, we couldn't let ourselves get too excited.
You might even get to the point of already having an early scan, have seen its little heart beating and tiny, still forming legs and arms beginning to wave and kick around and then you get the wow moment and everything seems really real and it's your baby already. And then you start thinking about names, and if this one will have your Granddad's eyes too, and how many people will be annoyed if it's a girl and you name it after your cousin who everyone thinks is odd. And if you have an older child as I did, you automatically think of this new baby as an extension of them and get excited about how similar or different they will be.
Over the years I have met with thousands of bereaved parents who never cease to shock me with their tales of horror and lack of support following the devastation that is the loss of a baby. In some trusts, stillborn babies are still being delivered in delivery suites to the sounds of babies crying, excited visitors arriving with bunches of flowers and congratulation balloons.
The words ring in your ears. Everything around you slows down and blurs. The words feel heavy on your skin as they sink in. You can feel your heart beating fast and loud and your chest begins to hurt. Your eyes swim with tears. You feel a slow numbness creep up your body from your toes, until you can't feel yourself anymore. You're hot and numb.
I strongly feel that when difficult and heart-wrenching moments in people's lives are depicted on TV, it shouldn't lead me to say in a disappointed voice with eyebrows raised "that is not what actually happens!" Is it too much to ask that one of the country's most watched, prime time television programs researches its storylines thoroughly and sensitively? When one in four women experience miscarriage, I think not.