When Polly goes on and on about Toby's previous boyfriends, all of them beautiful demigods who adored Polly and would probably have turned straight for had she asked, I should defend myself, or step up my patter in an attempt to impress her. But I don't care what she thinks, so I nod politely and play with my napkin.
Sexuality is complicated and we all have our secrets and desires, most of which are vastly different from those of the next person. But what it is about sending unsolicited images like this via social media that makes us think this is a 'safe' thing to do?
I had to change. I'd reached rock bottom. It was time to get a life and Groupon was my tool. A Narnia of discounts, a wardrobe into a magical otherworld full of adventure. And since then I've become a Lord, changed my name by Deed Poll to "Max Groupon", and bought property on the planet Mars.
I was reading an article today about being in your mid thirties. How, according to a 'recent survey', in your mid-thirties you are likely to be financially secure, at the peak of your career, a home owner, probably married with at least one child. And there's me thinking cutting out booze in the evenings every other week was progress.
The corporate world is full of pedants and vipers - passive-aggressive and prickly in their ambitions - it is nonetheless where I feel most comfortable. Office work is the least painful work I know. I am useless at anything that requires physical dexterity. In my younger years I worked on building sites but I had no aptitude for it - for me 'graft' means typing quickly...
There are quite a few commonalities between the things men did that turned me off, it's as if they all read the same dating advice book claiming to know what women want. Well, I'm here to tell you that the book lied and you should definitely get a refund. Here are the top 5 things that men do that scare a woman away.
Like millions of other lonely souls, I recently joined Tinder to try and spark up my non-existent love-life. Romantically, I'm sure it would probably be better if I was to meet someone organically, but hey ho, to Tinder I go.
I have spent much of my adult life online dating and am coming to realise that the chances of forming a genuine relationship with a man off a shopping list, who copies and pastes a message to 70 girls a day, is unlikely, for me, at least.
I'd been nagged by my friends to try out Tinder as soon as I got my new phone and I reckoned it could be worth a laugh. There was even talk that one of my more sensible friends had - gasp - met someone 'normal'. So I took the plunge and quickly matched with a very good looking older man.
It's here, whether you're a fan or not, the World Cup is upon us, and it's probably about to take over your partner's life. But like any stressful time for couples such as Christmas or the family summer holiday, forewarned is forearmed.
This is the problem with dating: it seems to involve lots of petty lies. On a date I always say everything is 'fine' regardless of how I actually feel. I pretend to like most things and never express a strong opinion (unless it is a positive one). I do this to appear agreeable and easy-going - the modern ideal.
I started dressing, rolling to the side as I forced my foot into a tightly laced shoe. There was a certain pathos to my clownish panic. Dannie watched me with dead eyes, my flimsy charm from the night before had evaporated. I could only hope I was one of her better mistakes.
The key to a successful date is simple, expect nothing, and you wont be disappointed. I'm all for a short conversation pre-date, but email tennis for 3 week prior? Endless whatsapping and texts to and fro? Forget it. The only way to know you're on to a winner is to meet. Chemistry cannot be photographed, written or whatsapped it can only be felt.
He goes into a long diatribe about how relationships can only be brief and meaningless when founded on sex and that he prefers to get to know someone "spiritually rather than carnally". I wonder which rock of self-help this bizarre statement crawled out from under.
You may have met someone online and spent weeks engaging in quick fire banter, getting to know them and finding a place of comfort in your online relationship. But eventually you will have to meet up with them. It's always awkward meeting a blind date for the first time, but imagine the added pressure of knowing that you need to translate your online 'spark' into the real world.
BINGO! We have the new gay stereotype - the gay man who refuses to conform to a stereotype! How lucky for me to have snared this rarest of beasts. And barely halfway through our first drink. I have two options. I could just let this go, or I could take a tin-opener to that can of worms he's waving in front of me.