Mums Discuss How To Respond When People Ask: 'Was Your Pregnancy Planned?' | HuffPost Life

'Why do you ask?' 🤔

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Life editor at HuffPost UK

Telling your friends, family and colleagues that you’re pregnant is an exciting moment.

But there’s nothing that dampens the mood more than someone replying to your baby news with the question: “Was it planned?”

It might seem like an innocent question - especially if the person asking it is close to you - but it’s not always easy to answer.

This is a topic parents on Mumsnet are debating after one woman wrote: “So far have just told parents [I’m pregnant] and both sets asked either ‘was it planned?’ or said ‘I take it he/she wasn’t planned?’”

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The Mumsnet user continued: “I’m fine with this from them [my family] but I know I’ll get it from friends and colleagues. While I could say ‘I’ll tell you when it becomes your business’, I don’t want to, so how can I close it down politely?”

The thread had more than 100 comments from women who had been in the same boat.

Here are some of the best answers you could give if you get asked this question:

1. “We’re really pleased.”

One Mumsnet user wrote: “Ooh, we had this question! My shutdown was a big smile and ‘we’re really pleased’. Neither confirming nor denying.

“It was most effective. Sadly, I never got the chance to use my next line: ‘Oh, sorry, I didn’t realise you wanted to know how often we were having sex and whether we were using contraception?’”

2. “Of course.”

“I had this off a friend of a friend, barely knew her,” one mum wrote. “I just said of course it was planned with a sickly smile on my face, but if I’d have been quicker thinking, I would have given her something to gossip about.”

3. “Most things in life aren’t.”

One mum’s answer was simply: “I used to say ‘most things in life aren’t, but still very welcome!’”

4. “Wow, that’s personal.”

“I used to do a little fake laugh and say lightly ‘wow that’s a bit personal’,” said one mum.

5. “Why do you ask?”

Answer their question with a question, one mum advised: “It doesn’t come across as rude, but subtly shows people they’re being rude.”

6. “I’ll forgive your rudeness.”

Or more specifically, as one mum said: “If you’ll forgive my rudeness in not answering your question, I’ll forgive yours in asking it.”

7. “I wanted anal.”

If someone asking you this question has made you feel awkward, then one mum suggested answering it in a way that will make them feel equally awkward.

“I say: ‘Nope, I wanted anal and he slipped’, it usually quietens them down pretty quickly,” she wrote.

8. “I love sex.”

Or make them feel awkward by professing your love of having sex with your husband.

“I did tell one person that pregnancy wasn’t planned but I love having sex with my husband and it was a happy side effect,” said one mum.

9. Laughs

“When I fell pregnant with my nearly three-year-old, a mum at the school who had never spoke to me before walked up and said: ‘I heard your news, was it planned?’ I laughed and told her congratulations would have been fine,” one mum wrote.

10. Says nothing.

“I just walked away, that told them” one mum wrote.

Read the full Mumsnet thread here.

Before You Go

Pregnancy worries and words of comfort

I have no morning sickness! Is that bad news?(01 of10)

You might have read things about how morning sickness signifies a healthy level of pregnancy hormones – but not having morning sickness does not mean you're lacking! Although many women suffer with it (and 'suffer' really is the word), many other women do not. Some women have it one pregnancy, but not in another. Attend all your usual checks and count yourself as one of the lucky ones! (credit:Alamy )

I drank before I knew I was pregnant, I might have harmed the baby(02 of10)

This happens to many, many expectant mums, and it's unlikely to be a cause for concern at all. Mention it to your GP/midwife, and just keep off the booze now, until you can enjoy a celebratory glass of fizz when your bundle arrives. (credit:Alamy )

I'll lose the baby(03 of10)

It's estimated about one in five pregnancies ends in early miscarriage, and it's thought most of those occur simply because the foetus wasn't developing properly. It does happen, but don't let it rule your thoughts because the vast majority of pregnancies do succeed. Try not to worry and remember that once you're into the second trimester, the chances of miscarriage is dramatically reduced. (credit:Alamy )

My baby might not be 'perfect'(04 of10)

It's estimated that one in 16 babies in the UK is born with a birth defect – but this figure refers to all birth defects, and many are mild and can be treated. So it's likely your baby won't have a birth defect, and even if they do, they will be perfect in their own way – remember support is available for every eventuality. Take your folic acid and attend your antenatal screening appointments. (credit:Alamy )

I won't make it to the hospital on time(05 of10)

You might have read terrifying stories about pregnant women giving birth in car parks and taxis – but these stories make it to the news because they are extraordinary, in the literal sense of the word! It very rarely happens, and most women get plenty of warning that labour is beginning. So plan well, and all is very likely to be fine. (credit:Alamy )

I might have to have a c-section(06 of10)

If you do end up needing a c-section, you might feel disappointed – but believe us, in the moment the only thing you'll really care about is the safe delivery of your baby. It won't be the end of the world and you won't care a jot when your baby is in your arms. (credit:Alamy )

I won't be able to cope during labour(07 of10)

There is just no telling how labour will be for you, so don't worry about it now. Make your birth plan, discuss it with your partner and midwife, and go with the flow on the day (it's okay to change your mind!). There will be lots and lots of help and support at your disposal. Not to mention drugs, should you need them. (credit:Alamy )

Labour will humiliating (will I poo on the bed?!)(08 of10)

You've heard about that then? It can happen, but the doctors and midwives have seen it all – they have experienced every possible scenario. They won't be worrying about things like that, so neither should you. (credit:Alamy )

I don't know how to be a mum(09 of10)

No-one does until they become one! Every new mum feels like they're winging it in the early days. As your baby grows and you get to know them, you'll learn. Trust in the fact that just about every mother has gone through it… and survived. (credit:Alamy )

I'm worried about gaining all that weight(10 of10)

You will put on weight, yes – but it's normal and nothing to be afraid of! Much weight gain is actually down to the baby, the placenta, extra blood in your system and the retention of water. Pregnancy changes your body in myriad ways – just enjoy it, and let your body just do its thing at this special time. Remember, there's no need to 'eat for two'… but eat what you need and don't count calories. (credit:Alamy )

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