If you’re looking for some truly creative takes on the English language, look to the children in your life.
Many parents tweet about their kids’ funny malapropisms and interesting turns of phrase ― which are often arguably superior to the correct terms. We’ve rounded up 30 funny tweets about what children call things. Enjoy!
3: Mama, can I have some cockamole?
— 𝓜𝓸𝓶’𝓼 𝓸𝓾𝓽 𝓸𝓯 𝓸𝓻𝓭𝓮𝓻 (@Mamaoutoforder) May 25, 2021
Guacamole, she wants guacamole.
My daughter calls deodorant “armpit makeup”. You’re welcome.
— Stephen Amell (@StephenAmell) May 29, 2018
9 y/o says what she misses most about going to movies is getting snacks from the “confession” stand so when we do go again, I’ll be paying a lot more attention when she places her order.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) June 8, 2021
My 4 yo just called skinny dipping, nakedy dipping, and I will never call it anything else.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) April 27, 2021
My 3yo thinks the Beatles are Paul, George, Pingu and Joe Lemons and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) November 14, 2020
My 11yo calls a porta potty a “portal potty” and every time she says it, I feel like it’s a place where you’d send your nasty into space or something, and I must say, it’s not far off, because every time I use one of those I honestly long to be on another planet.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) June 14, 2021
I’m not saying DON’T teach your kids proper terminologies but I AM saying that mine called a “force field” a “horse field” for about a year and that was the best year of my life
— Deena Lang (@itsdeenalang) June 8, 2021
Last night my kid kept calling my slide sandals my “strap-ons” and I feel bad I couldn’t tell him why I almost wet my pants laughing.
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) June 14, 2021
My three year old calls it ‘this day’ instead of ‘today’ and I shall never correct him. ‘Is it going to be sunny this day?’ ‘What are we playing this day?’. Thinking of adopting it myself.
— Lee Madgwick (@LeeMadgwick) September 1, 2020
3 calls them wish flowers and not dandelions and I'm good with that
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) June 5, 2021
I’ll told my daughter I ate this type of watermelon as a kid since they didn’t have the round seedless kind and she now calls these “80s watermelons.” 🙄 pic.twitter.com/zw43sd57n1
— Valerie Schremp Hahn 📰 (@valeriehahn) June 28, 2021
8: I want spicy balls!
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 6, 2021
me: you...what.
8: spicy balls. Can I have spicy balls?
me: [narrows eyes] OH. Fireball candy?
8: yea!
Me: don't call them spicy balls ever again
“Mommy really likes flash ‘em shows!” She meant fashion—but try explaining that to the skeptical checkout lady.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) April 16, 2021
4 calls badminton rackets “ball trampolines” and 4 year olds should name everything.
— Marissa 💚 (@michimama75) May 22, 2021
my 4-year-old calls a box of tissues a “bless you box”
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) May 23, 2021
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) June 5, 2021
All the tiny apples: pic.twitter.com/UtLLtkknIA
5: mom can i have a lemon tongue?
— That Mom Tho 🏳️🌈 (@mom_tho) July 1, 2021
me: wut
5: for a snack?
me:
5: a baby orange!
me: omg. yes, you may have a clementine 💀
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn't call them jeans, she calls them "weiner pants" and i wish i didn't find that out as she yelled it in the store.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 1, 2021
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE WHEN 4 CALLS POPCORN “COP PORN”?!
— Marissa 💚 (@michimama75) May 8, 2021
My 13 year old: those edibles hit hard last night
— Jill Krause (@babyrabies) May 19, 2021
Me: OMG do NOT call the children's melatonin gummies edibles in public please
My daughter calls sniffles "jiggles" and anyone who doesn't start using this now hates fun.
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) May 19, 2021
"Are you feeling sick?"
"Nope, it's just my usual case of the morning jiggles."
4 year old just said to her stuffed dragon:
— Audra McDonald (@AudraEqualityMc) March 30, 2021
“That’s my mom. Her name is Audra but you should just call her Old McDonald”
And honestly she’s absolutely right.
My 7yo calls her gloves “finger mittens” and now I will never, ever call them anything else.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) March 30, 2021
My daughter calls Boss Baby, “A Baby Called Boss” which strikes me as the Boss Baby’s dark autobiography where he looks back at how his life was ravaged by capitalism.
— Yuri Baranovsky (@YuriBaranovsky) July 10, 2021
My daughter calls her teeth smile bones 🤣🤣
— 🌻♌️ (@_chelseajustine) July 10, 2021
My 4yo pronounces peanut butter “Pinot Butter”
— Heather #BLM🏳️🌈 (@dishs_up) February 20, 2021
...and why haven’t they made a wine based butter yet?
I feel like it would make a fine addition to my next charcuterie board.
I could dip apples in it, or hard cheeses or make a sauce with Pinot butter and Brie!! pic.twitter.com/z9MY8VF3re
5, at the beach: I wanna touch the booty’s
— Marissa 💚 (@michimama75) July 6, 2021
Me: …the what?
5: all of the booty’s
Me: do you mean buoy’s?
5: …I like booty’s better.
Overheard my daughter teaching her younger sister how to pronounce various words: "It's PRE-GA-NANT."
— Meena Harris (@meena) March 29, 2021
Today's sign you have a pandemic kid: my 2yo daughter calls lotion "face sanitizer."
— Ted Flynn (@TedFlynn) July 13, 2021
We had to start calling brownies donuts because that’s what our toddler wants to call them or else she’ll scream bloody murder at us and for now that’s all I have to say about raising a toddler.
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) April 27, 2021