Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life – and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 25 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn't know we had
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 9, 2022
what my husband says he loves doing: watching baseball
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 31, 2022
what he actually loves doing: leaving all the cabinet doors open
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 7, 2022
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My husband just recorded his voice saying, "Wake up right now or you'll be late for school!" and is playing it on a loop for the kids, and this gentle reader, is why I married him.
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) June 7, 2022
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) June 8, 2022
My wife and I are at the point where I text "Hey" and she'll text back "It's on the dining room table."
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) June 12, 2022
My husband acts like separate blankets is a gateway to separate houses as if sharing a blanket doesn’t have me weighing my options
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 7, 2022
Marriage year 8,817,616: We judge and talk about commercials now.
— ↁᎯᨆ⫯ᕍ ᗩᖙ𝜏 ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿 (@DavidAdt1) June 7, 2022
I used my husband’s dandruff shampoo and I already notice a significant decrease in the amount of words I use when replying to text messages.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 8, 2022
Marriage vows should be rewritten as “to have and to hold and to divide and conquer the unappealing leftovers in the fridge till death do us part.”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 8, 2022
i thought i liked being married but turns out i just like yelling at somebody every week to take out the trash
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) May 31, 2022
I went to bed while my husband was in the bathroom and he called me while he pooped just so he could talk to me. I guess this is our marriage now.
— Suppose She's A Wildflower (@_SouthernMama) June 13, 2022
Make sure you know if your partner parks at the entrance or exit doors to Home Depot, if you’re not compatible the relationship won’t last
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) June 12, 2022
When I get mad at my wife I wait till she's wearing a dress, put on my favorite cargo shorts and then complain that I can't find my wallet because I have too many pockets
— 🤷♂️🌜Dad Moon Rising🌛🤷♂️ (@raoulvilla) June 11, 2022
My wife put parental controls on Netflix because I watched one of our shows without her.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 31, 2022
Wife and I got a sitter for our date night. Might get a little crazy after dinner and hit up the good Target on the other side of town.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 2, 2022
I always witness my wife throw away the end slices of a loaf of bread like some kind of psychopath.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) June 9, 2022
My husband really only likes to grill for the sport of it. He is rarely gonna make a side. He smoked a whole chicken last night. I thought he was "making dinner", Nope. He was just gonna have us eating chicken and nothing else.
— Cocoa. (@CocoaDoe) June 12, 2022
My poor husband. It must be bloody awful to have a condition that apparently stops him from being able to shut a cupboard door after he’s opened it.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 10, 2022
My marriage never becomes more tense than when we order pizza together.
— Benjamin Siemon (@BenjaminJS) June 3, 2022
I hung a world map on the wall, gave my wife a dart & said, throw this & wherever it lands, I’m taking you there on vacation.
— mariana Z🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦 (@mariana057) June 1, 2022
Turns out we’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.
I know it’s not a competition since all of our husbands spend a lot of time in the bathroom BUT, mine did miss the birth of his second child because of it, so do I win?
— Be Kind Of Witty (@bekindofwitty) June 11, 2022
Me: Why are you looking at me like that?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 2, 2022
Husband: I’m just looking at you.
A Love Story
We are staying at a bed-and-breakfast in the middle of nowhere Massachusetts right now. All of the other guests are wine-drinking retirement age couples. Husband made us sit on the front porch gossiping with them about their children until midnight. These are his people.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 4, 2022
Husband: I’m going for a jog. Do you want to come with me?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) June 6, 2022
Me: Aww, that’s cute. Can you get me some Doritos on your way home?