Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch.
Only a few more days of school. We should be able to coast to the end of the school year.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 17, 2023
School email: Tomorrow have your kids dress like an 18th century English poet.
My toddler and me, in the icy waters of the Atlantic, the wreckage of the Titanic floating around us. Finally, after hours, on the horizon a row boat arrives, throws us a life preservers.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 18, 2023
Me, looking nervously at my toddler: Can I grab the life preserver or do you want to do it?
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 16, 2023
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) May 16, 2023
Parenting is sneaking in to kiss your kids when they’re asleep, and sneaking out to curse when they’re awake
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 18, 2023
I was telling my kid about Tarot and she just told me I didn’t need to get my fortune told because, and I quote “what are they gonna tell you, more boring things are gonna happen in your boring life?”
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) May 18, 2023
my daughter told me i was the sweetest and i said no she was and she said i was so i said she was correct then she got sad that i didn’t insist she was and this is why parenting isn’t for the weak
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 17, 2023
10: 🎶Snap back to reality. Oh, there goes gravity. Oh, there goes -
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 16, 2023
me: i'm sorry wait. what are you singing
10: idk
me: where'd you hear it
10: i think it's a youtube song
a youtube song??! 😭😭😭😭 i'm old.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that...is that part of the gift
— meghan (@deloisivete) May 14, 2023
‘Since daddy put the baby in your belly, show me where he put it in. *points at my belly button* was it here?’
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) May 18, 2023
-my 5 year old at 5:17 this morning.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) May 13, 2023
Your kid went from 5th grade to 6th grade. Settle down with the graduation parties.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 17, 2023
My son’s preschool class filled their kindness jar with pom poms so they got to decide how to celebrate and my kid yelled “Take a train ride!” So they voted and now I’m a parent volunteer who’s helping take 17 four- and five-year olds on a train ride through town.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) May 18, 2023
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 19, 2023
We are all that mom.
My daughter is really catching on to the idea of spelling bad words instead of saying them. For example, when watching tv the other day she said “man that guy’s a f*cking d-u-m-m-y”
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) May 18, 2023
My 7yo ADHD baby: I don’t remember where I put my toothbrush I just had in my hand 3 secs ago.
— Princess | Family Wellness (@themultiplemom) May 19, 2023
Same kid: You told me 8 Mondays ago at 4:11 pm that we could go to target today. I remembered because I was wearing a blue shirt with 3 buttons and you was eating two grapes.
They say we never stop learning from our children, like mine taught me that a broken banana can no longer be a delicious banana
— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) May 15, 2023
Moms love swapping childbirth stories like old guys telling war stories at the VFW, except this is over oatmilk lattes and the whole café gets to hear who had the higher degree tear
— Kona Slater (@KonaSlater) May 14, 2023
Toddlers will throw their meal all over the floor while looking you in the eye and saying 'oops my food fell down'
— Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) May 17, 2023
My 6yo's epic tantrum drowned out Boyz II Men on the radio
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) May 16, 2023
They're probably rethinking their interest in making love to me like I want them to right about now
Last night at dinner my mom asked my 6 year-old son what 10 + 10 was and this child of whom we are all very fond, counted out on his fingers and then replied 'your mom'.
— 🍁Graham Kritzer (@GrahamKritzer) May 17, 2023