Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch.
Toddlers are the best people on earth, I went out to dinner at a diner with my 3yo and when we were done eating he asked the waiter if we had to do the dishes or if he was going to do it.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 21, 2023
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2023
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I have the same birthday as my mother-in-law, and my 5yo asked if we’re twins. He’s lucky he’s adorable.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) May 25, 2023
Moms on Facebook be like, “I am so proud of my son. He worked hard and graduated with honors” and it’s just a picture of their child graduating 3 year old preschool.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 21, 2023
3-year-old packed a bag with a new outfit and two different shoe options for our trip to the grocery store, in case her mood changed. Aspirational?
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 23, 2023
My mom didn't get in the pool with us growing up, but my children’s grandma is a full-blown mermaid complete with gills, shimmering scales and a tail who plays with them in the water all day.
— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) May 25, 2023
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) May 22, 2023
Been telling people “sorry he’s really drunk” when my kid acts like an asshole in public and everyone hates it
— mdd (@merrydevo) May 24, 2023
Me: Take some deep breaths. We can make it to the end of the school year.
— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) May 21, 2023
The school: Don’t forget tomorrow is potluck bake sale fundraiser dress like an octagon day.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact pic.twitter.com/yUkdlq4m2x
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) May 24, 2023
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 20, 2023
My kid’s favorite little square hash browns were out of stock and now he has to eat slightly bigger square hash browns, so please respect our privacy during this difficult time
— meghan (@deloisivete) May 23, 2023
My name is Ana and my 5YO trolls me by writing me seemingly sweet notes addressed to “Anna.”
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) May 24, 2023
At the park and my son is playing soccer w/ a child named Kevin. I’ve never met a child named Kevin before. Kinda just thought Kevins only came in adult form…ya know like pigeons
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) May 22, 2023
me to my kids: you guys watch the dumbest stuff on youtube
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 22, 2023
also me: [watches a 10 min tiktok of a guy power washing a sidewalk] satisfying.
I took off work so I wasn’t at school with my daughter and she sent me a message saying “you’re like a puzzle piece and when you’re not around me my puzzle can’t be done” so she’s mastered the art of guilt tripping
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) May 22, 2023
Toddlers are cute until they come out with sentences like, “He’s our dog, we’re not gonna cook him”, and then they’re terrifying
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) May 25, 2023
Me: That’s pretty sus
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) May 26, 2023
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Sometimes I think about the time I asked my four year old where’s daddy and he said he’s taking out the fucking trash.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) May 24, 2023
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I'm totally thinking of doing that.
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) May 26, 2023
daddy I got 2 dollars for my tooth but my friend Olivia only got 1 is the tooth fairy like Santa
— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) May 24, 2023
- 6yo not realizing how close she is to uncovering the secret