Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
Tried to complain to my mom about the difficulties of raising a stubborn child and her eyes rolled so far back in her head I don’t think they’re ever coming back
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) February 24, 2022
This morning I sat up from a laying down position and my two year old yelled, “You did it!”
— Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) February 19, 2022
My daughter can't find her glasses, her shoes, or her backpack, but she can spot a sliver of onion in a bowl of rice from 10 feet away.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) February 24, 2022
A good dad earns his stripes early by learning the baby’s cues. Like that cry they make while taking a bottle means they want their mommy. And that cry when they can’t sleep means they want their mommy. And that cry … you get the point.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) February 24, 2022
the day I’ve longed for since the FIRST DAY I became a parent is finally here!!!my daughter is old enough to go get me stuff from the other room
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) February 19, 2022
My oldest child was 6 months old when the pandemic started and he’s 2 and a half now which means he’s been effectively quarantined with me his entire sentient life so it’s my fault his go-to expression when he sees something that pleases him is “Ugh I am loving that!”
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) February 19, 2022
There are two types of mom friends: those who text after 8 PM and those who text before 8 AM.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 21, 2022
the greatest phenomenon in parenting is how there are 18 hours between dinner and bedtime
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 23, 2022
lately my kids have been pretending to be adults when they play, and they say things like, “i’m a grown up. i have a fat belly and i wear big shoes. i have my pants pulled up real high. i go to the bank and i have to take medicine, and i can watch violent videos whenever i want.”
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) February 23, 2022
Someone on a show we were watching said, "What the..."? and my 5 year old helpfully filled in "fuck"
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) February 22, 2022
No parenting book can prepare you for when your 3 yr old literally sticks her finger in your nostril and says, "Hey mom, smell this!"
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) February 24, 2022
My 4 year old keeps yelling "oh middlesticks!" and I am never correcting him
— meghan (@deloisivete) February 23, 2022
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 19, 2022
Marriage is easy.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 20, 2022
Raise an independent female so she can scream “my body, my choice” when you tell her to wash her hair during bath time.
— MommyCocktail (@MommyCocktail) February 22, 2022
Asked a bunch of rival dads if anyone wanted to go hiking with me tomorrow morning at 5. Of course they all said no. I’m not going hiking either but they don’t have to know that.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 20, 2022
I was cutting up an orange for my 4yo and eating all the parts he’d refuse to eat. He ended up with 2 slices.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) February 21, 2022
You either have a kid who never wants to shower or a kid who takes hour long showers every day. There is no in between.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) February 20, 2022
Me: Take a break from the iPad and do something else.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 24, 2022
9yo: *Sings “What Else Can I Do?” From Encanto*
My daughter came into my room at midnight to tell me that “fake tans make people look carroty”
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) February 22, 2022
And quite frankly, I understand why that couldn’t wait till morning
If I ever want to hear about all the injustice in the world, I just ask my 12 year old to clear the table after dinner
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) February 19, 2022
Just told my 7yo that it’s Hump Day. He said “good because people are always mad at umpires so they deserve some love today.”
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) February 23, 2022
Me: It’s pick up time, can you organize these toys?
— yelisa (@beingyelisa) February 25, 2022
Kids: Best we can do is fight each other.
Whenever looking upon my sleeping kids, I imagine them growing up to make a difference in the world. Which is incredible since they use bed rails to stop from falling on their faces in the middle of the night.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) February 24, 2022