The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

Someday, God willing, I will attend my children’s weddings, refuse to eat what they serve and demand butter noodles and nuggets.

— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) July 17, 2022

6: why does J have two mommies?

Me: some kids have two mommies, some have two daddies, some have a mommy and a daddy… all families look diff-

6: I wish I had two mommies

My husband:

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) July 20, 2022

My teen said I was old and out of touch. I told him to eat my shorts cause that's hella whack home skillet.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 19, 2022

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) July 17, 2022

My kid asked me for a burrito but “without all the yucky stuff inside” so I’m pretty sure he wants a tortilla

— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) July 18, 2022

Welcome to parenthood. You now tell the people behind you in mini golf to “play through.”

— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 18, 2022

My 4-year-old says the wrong name for many things. It's adorable, but I do try to help him say the correct word. Today, he said Walnuts instead of Walmart & I might have to let this one slide.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 19, 2022

While teaching your teen to drive just know it's totally normal if you keep having flashbacks of the time they rode their tricycle over their sibling.

— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) July 18, 2022

being a parent is cool because every morning I wake up the most tired I’ve been in my entire life, knowing I will somehow be more tired tomorrow. and then the baby goes “goo” or some shit and it’s like I just did MDMA

— amy b (@arb) July 14, 2022

new parenthood achievement unlocked: my daughter just rolled over, put her face really close to my face, and threw up in my hair

— Erin Ryan (@morninggloria) July 20, 2022

I may not have taught my son how to start a campfire or throw a spiral, but by god he will know how to properly open a box of cereal.

— The Alex Nevil 2.0 (@AlexNevilAgain) July 17, 2022

Took kids swimming and there were loads of people there. My 5 year old squeezed my hand and said “Daddy, I don’t do busy” and I’ve never related to him more

— threetimedaddy 🇺🇦 (@threetimedaddy) July 17, 2022

I’ve never met a better negotiator than a kid who doesn’t want to go to sleep

— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) July 19, 2022

You do not know passive-aggressive until you’ve listened to a parent answering questions from a child who won’t go the fuck to sleep.

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) July 17, 2022

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) July 18, 2022

I tell all 3 of my kids that they are the password child.

— Obviously Everyone... (@OMGSoOverIt) July 18, 2022

My 3 yr old asked if He could play with some “cock & balls”. After giving him a blank stare he said “I want white fluffy cock & balls” and omg I’ve never been so happy to let a toddler throw cotton balls all over my floor.

— Bre (@fullofmomsense) July 18, 2022

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) July 16, 2022

4 says all these cars are in line for gas. She already knows way too much about the apocalypse. pic.twitter.com/0lyYz8EkAW

— Adam (@YSylon) July 17, 2022

Why is there always toilet paper on the bathroom floor, and other mysteries of the parenting world

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 20, 2022

My 4 year old didn’t immediately run to the front window to watch the garbage truck go by today so if you’ll excuse me I’ll be sobbing into his baby onesies

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) July 18, 2022