Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 5, 2021
I see where she gets it from.
I’m sorry but if you come to my house and want something to drink, you’re probably gonna need to get a glass from my kid’s room.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) October 4, 2021
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) October 7, 2021
i mean her would you judge her
I asked 4 how school was and she said Freya told her to take a toy home and 4 wasn’t sure but Freya said it was fine so 4 hid a toy in her pocket and brought it home and it seems Freya’s recruiting her for some kind of kindergarten crime ring
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) October 5, 2021
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
— Lottie-BOO 👻 (@Lottie_Poppie) October 7, 2021
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 7, 2021
10: Grandma, can you teach Mom how to make this dessert?
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) October 3, 2021
My mom: Oh, she already knows how to make it, sweetie.
10: No. No, she doesn't.
take away my kids electronics for punishment? that's amateur hour. i take my kids to Lowe's for a couple hours.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 4, 2021
Ready for another weekend of oversharing with new mom friends at soccer and regretting it later
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) October 2, 2021
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
— meghan (@deloisivete) October 5, 2021
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Playing board games with your kids and deliberately trying to lose so it ends quicker is a parenting art form
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) October 7, 2021
*Kidzbop song plays*
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) October 6, 2021
my 4yo: they were 𝙨𝙪𝙥𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙚𝙙 to say "fuck"
One way to speed up the school pickup line is to shout, “This is the line for the PTA fundraiser”
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 6, 2021
I’m at a pumpkin patch with my family, is $48 a good deal for a pumpkin?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 2, 2021
Give a man a cup of rice, feed him for a day. Give a toddler a cup of rice, step on it for a week.
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) October 6, 2021
11- I can’t wait to have chemistry in High School so we can make potions and spells
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 6, 2021
Me- Unfortunately I don’t think you ever received your acceptance letter for that particular school
my children wish to inform you they will be deceased from hunger before dinner if they do not have a second after school snack
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) October 4, 2021
Absolutely no one:
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 7, 2021
My kid: isn’t it weird how no one ever really knows when they’re in the middle of their life
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) October 2, 2021
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Whenever another parent asks me if they should let their kid play Minecraft, I always tell them yes because I'm petty and angry and I want them to listen to their kids fight and speak gibberish and suffer as much as I do.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) October 7, 2021
My 5yo asked if I had ice cream in the house, and when I said no he glared at me with the intensity of a pint-size hypoglycemic commando and said “Tomorrow you go to the store and BUY SOME”
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) October 7, 2021
Sorry I never responded to the text you sent; my 5-year-old just finished telling me a story that started on Friday.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 4, 2021