Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are "apple button jeans, boots with the brrr" and then he does a little shiver— meghan (@deloisivete) November 14, 2023
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship.— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 15, 2023
Toddler “I PEED IN THE POTTY! Do you wanna see???”— Darby Stouffer (@DarbyStouffer) November 15, 2023
Husband: “In this house we believe women, you don’t have to show us.”
When my first son was a baby, I fed him only pureed vegetables in his early weeks of table food; no fruit at first, so he wouldn't develop a taste for too much sweet stuff too soon.— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 12, 2023
Anyway my second baby who is 6 months old just licked PopTart crumbs off my now-3yo's fingers.
The teacher who told my son "men are the providers and women are the caregivers" just emailed to say she needs a cantaloupe for the class tomorrow and damn, I sure hope one of those dads she emailed provides— Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) November 14, 2023
Listen I know the term "wedgie" has been working just fine for us up until now but if we're looking for something new, my 4-year-old just said "my bum is full of pajamas."— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) November 14, 2023
I’m writing a suspense thriller about a kid that throws trash everywhere in the house except the trash can.— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) November 15, 2023
I haven’t got it on camera yet but sometimes the dog will walk up behind the baby, sniff his butt, bark to get my attention, and then very pointedly look at the stairs, which I have deduced is code for “your puppy has shit himself again”— madeline odent (@oldenoughtosay) November 13, 2023
Before you have kids, you come up with the most insane arbitrary rules for them bc you have no idea that those things won’t matter at all. I remember once telling someone I wouldn’t let my future kids watch Cars bc “it’s the worst Pixar movie”— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) November 15, 2023
Moms: Just because I’m a mom doesn’t mean I know where everything is.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 15, 2023
Also moms: Your orange and black hat is in the front hall closet, left side, on the second shelf, in the brown wicker bin that is next to the black fabric bin.
My daughter got home from school today and looked me dead in the eye and said “your lunch was a 6/10 today” and I just…— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) November 14, 2023
Sometimes I want to email a kid’s parent and be like “listen, you should know that your daughter is on the cusp of being a mean girl, and while this may work out for her short term, you and she should really discuss whether she wants to be selling leggings for an MLM in 30 years”— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) November 14, 2023
8: I'm running fast! I'm going like....like ...10 miles per hour!! Maybe even 5!!— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 15, 2023
homeschooling is going well.
What I said: Mommy is really sick and needs to rest now.— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) November 12, 2023
What my 2yo heard: Let’s review every shape I’ve ever learned about
My kid is learning French so she can “talk to the French aliens in space,” and I can’t fault her for wanting to be prepared to meet all those French aliens.— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) November 11, 2023
my 7 year old: there’s a lot of girl deer poop in our yard— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) November 15, 2023
me: how…do you know it’s from a girl deer?
7: boy deer poop has orange dots in it
me: how do you know that??
7 *whispers*:ᶦ ᵏⁿᵒʷ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵈᵉᵉʳ
My son caught me kicking crumbs under the fridge. I had to bribe him with ice cream, so he didn't tell mom. This wasn't in the parenting books.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 15, 2023
Kids: guess what time it is?— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 14, 2023
Kids: WRONG HAHA IT’S 8:02 LOL!
“Mama, I know how SpongeBob SquarePants got his name”- my kid, solving the mysteries of the universe— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) November 13, 2023
Me: “Wow, a weekend without much to do, this is glorious.”— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) November 11, 2023
My kids: “THERE IS NOTHING TO DO THIS WEEKEND LETS MAKE PLANS.”
my daughter asked me why mom doesn't use Twitter and I said because she got appropriate levels of attention growing up. Then I think she asked me something about whether she should be on Twitter, not sure...I wasn't really paying attention.— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) November 15, 2023
Nobody:— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) November 13, 2023
My kid at 4:07 AM: If you had to go to a wedding where kids weren’t allowed and there was no babysitter to watch us, what would you do?
Cut my son’s peanut butter sandwich into the shape of a carrot so he’d get some vegetables.— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) November 10, 2023