Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Although Twitter has rebranded to X, the humor lives on.
Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on the social media platform to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents for more!
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) November 1, 2023
Peanut M&Ms are a choking hazard, and I take my solemn duty to remove choking hazards from my child's vicinity very seriously.
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 1, 2023
I’ve been looking at Zillow pictures of my house just to remember what it looked like clean.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 31, 2023
In 2015 I posted a picture of some beef stew I made on Instagram with the caption, “beef stew skills on point.” My kids found it tonight and have been making fun of me nonstop for 3 hours.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 31, 2023
I sure have a lot of opinions about cooking shows for someone who's eating a paw patrol string cheese for breakfast
— meghan (@deloisivete) October 30, 2023
My teen is using chopsticks to eat Cheetos so she doesn’t get Cheeto dust on her fingers and can we just fast track her application to Yale now?
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 28, 2023
Obsessed with the stage where preschoolers can talk really well but haven’t figured out what words are commonly used in conversation by kids, right now my 3yo keeps using “certainly” in every sentence like “I certainly do love gummy bears”
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 31, 2023
daughter: do I have to brush?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 30, 2023
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money
8's bedtime excuses last night:
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 30, 2023
1. it's boiling hot in here (it was 68)
2. he had a piece of skin on his finger that really hurts a lot.
3. he forgot how to sleep
4. remembering that one time 76 days ago when i promised him something and i didn't do it.
5. he was too tired
6.…
A haunted house but it’s just my house filled with kids another illness for the fifth time in two months
— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) October 31, 2023
My daughter got a new pair of earrings and was so excited she said, “I feel like I’m 10 again!” It was cute but she’s only 11 and that just seems too young to start chasing the fountain of youth.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 30, 2023
[6 AM]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 29, 2023
Child [coming out of bedroom]: Is an orange named after the color or is the color named after the fruit?
Me [rubbing temples]: it is way too early for this
Stages of getting kids ready to leave:
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 1, 2023
1. We are leaving in 15 minutes.
2. We are leaving in 5 minutes.
3. We are leaving in 1 minute.
4. Where are your pants?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) October 29, 2023
My daughter hasn’t seen the Harry Potter movies so we made plans to watch one together but when the day came my daughter told me I was “too excited” and she wasn’t “ready for all that”
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) November 2, 2023
a haunted house but there's a kid in every room who needs help with homework
— 🎃🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛🎃 (@raoulvilla) October 29, 2023
If someone was feeding me, making sure I was dry and comfortable, tenderly rocking me and singing me songs in the middle of the night, I would simply go the you-know-what to sleep
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 2, 2023
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 2, 2023
Crazy to think about how weird I was when I was pregnant, like one day I made my husband take the kids out for the day because I needed to watch the entire Mighty Ducks trilogy with no interruptions. But like... NEEDED to.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 30, 2023
My 5yo wants to know why the neighbors still have their Halloween decorations up, and I didn’t know he was on the HOA board
— meghan (@deloisivete) November 2, 2023