12/12/2018 19:00 GMT

Spoiler Alert: How The Brexit Mid-Season Finale Might Play Out As May Faces Confidence Vote

This will either be unmissable or a total anti-climax, only time will tell.

Leon Neal via Getty Images
Theresa May 

Whether it’s England’s World Cup matches, the I’m A Celeb final or Strictly Blackpool week, television has a knack for uniting the nation. 

And this evening we have a surprise last-minute entry for Event Television Moment Of The Year as a man in a suit stands alone and announces whether we still have a prime minister or not, while the nation watches from the sofa.

As with the best live television, everything is pretty much up in the air. But what can we expect from the mid-season finale of Brexit?

The Set Will Probably Look Shit

There’s no budget for this. Heck, there’s no budget for anything and it’s only going to get worse once we exit the EU, probably. It’s unclear where the unlikely star of tonight’s show, 1922 Committee Chairman Graham Brady, will choose to hold his press conference but don’t expect a magnificent backdrop. A member of our politics team has reliably informed me will just be “somewhere in Westminster”, which is very non-committal if you ask me. It’s almost like he was busy writing about news while I do weird takes for normal people.

It’s Going To Take Ages To Get Going 

The vote will take place behind closed doors between 7.30pm and 9pm - but this hasn’t stopped the BBC clearing its schedule to cover it. Expect a couple of hours of rambling and guessing, you can skip this bit and just rewatch last weekend’s Strictly to be honest. Presumably on ITV they will then go to an ad break just before its announced to prolong the suspense.

The Villains From A Season Or So Ago Are Back

MPs Charlie Elphicke and Andrew Griffiths are both currently suspended for alleged misconduct, but it seems they may have their suspensions lifted - which will allow them to have a say in tonight’s no-confidence vote.

It’s a choice to bring back largely forgotten characters in the hope they can bolster the protagonist’s odds but we’ll run with it on this occasion.

The Ghosts Of Brexit Past Will Emerge

Rumour has it that if you merely whisper the words “48 letters”, Jacob Rees-Mogg will appear behind you on a penny-farthing.

Henry Nicholls / Reuters
Jacob Rees-Mogg 

Whatever the result, he’ll do this as soon as it’s announced and the costume department will, once again, trot out the same old combover and dark suit for when he tries (and probably fails) to go from a guest star to a regular character, because every time they try him out the viewers aren’t quite sure.

There’s No Public Vote

Weirdly, for event television, the public won’t actually have do anything but sit on the sofa and get gradually more shouty as the night goes on.

The Tory MPs will do their voting in secret too which is a shame, because they could have borrowed the ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ judging panel seats and pushed the giant button to declare a lack of confidence in the prime minister. This is another disappointing, wasted opportunity to add to the list.

There Could Be An Explosive Ending

If May loses this vote then quite frankly, we are set for pandemonium. She’ll likely make a statement on the matter and then it falls to the Conservatives who created this mess to work out who will lead government for the final instalments. With over 150 Tories currently offering May their support it seems unlikely, but this is 2018 and this is Brexit, so anything could happen. And we don’t yet know if another season has been commissioned of this particular (shit)show.

Or It Could Be A Total Letdown

If May wins, then this whole day has been the political equivalent of clickbait. Or Bodyguard, when they made us get excited about Keeley Hawes not being dead when she was, in fact, just dead. At least there’s no Christmas special planned. Yet.