As lovely as it is to get together with our loved ones during the festive season, for some of us, there is an element of dread. As aside from the usual festivities like dinner, drinks, and gifts – there’s also intrusive questions.
Whether it’s because of the surplus of alcohol running through veins or the intimacy of get togethers, a lot of the rules around conversations seem to change at this time of year, and you can suddenly fid yourself faced with questions about your love life, plans for parenthood and even your work life.
To get you through the season, HuffPost UK spoke exclusively with experts on how to address these intrusive questions without finding yourself in an uncomfortable, tense situation and instead in a comfortable position with clear boundaries.
How to address questions about relationships and children
We spoke with Sandy Christiansen, fertility coach at Bėa Fertility about the questions people face around children and fertility and she provided answers for the most common questions.
“Are you planning to have kids soon?”
Sandy says:
Family plans can be a sensitive topic. This question can feel frustrating if you have other goals that feel more important to you than immediately having children. On the flip-side, if you’re trying for a baby but haven’t told your family yet or have been struggling, this question can hurt. Drawing boundaries always feels uncomfortable. With your nearest and dearest, it’s even harder. The thing is, if you’re fed up with being hounded by relatives, it’s your only choice.
Think “kind but firm”, and have one these at the tip of your tongue soon after you step through the door:
- “I know you probably want to ask me about baby plans. I understand where you’re coming from but sadly I’m just not there yet. Please respect my wish not to talk about it any further.”
- “I’m aware that some people my age have kids already. I’ve thought carefully about it and I have my reasons for taking my time. I can share them with you if you’re interested, but I’m afraid it’s not open to debate.”
- “I would appreciate it if we can leave the topic of me having kids off the table, so we can enjoy these few days together without any drama.”
If you have a partner, align with them beforehand about the information you do or don’t want to share with relatives. And have someone you can talk with. It’s perfectly fine to keep quiet about this stuff. Just take care not to become too isolated. Think about who you could turn to, whether a friend in the same boat, an online support group or a family member at that gathering who ‘gets it’.
“Have you “met anyone” yet?”
Sandy says:
This can feel like a loaded question. Lots of people will view relationships as an integral part of a happy and stable life. I also think it’s true that our relatives worry about us if we’re on our own, and find comfort in thinking that we have a partner looking out for us. This can be the case of course, but not always. The wrong relationship can have the opposite effect. And lots of us will lean on other people - friends, colleagues, pets! - for that same level of connection and support.
However you feel and whatever your circumstances, try not to internalise other peoples’ expectations for you. The easiest way to respond to a question like this if you don’t have anything you want to share is to keep it simple and positive:
“Not yet, but I’ll let you know when I have something to share.”
If they probe, feel free to remind them that your love life is really none of their business.
“When are you going to settle down?”
Sandy says:
“Settling down” can feel like an old-fashioned concept. For some people, it’s an idea that provides a great deal of comfort. For others, it feels suffocating and like giving in to tradition. Whatever your views, this question can make you feel as though the person who has asked it doesn’t think what you’re doing is good enough.
You could use this as an opportunity to talk about what’s currently making you happy, what your goals are and what you really care about, beyond “settling down”. Be that travel, friendships or cooking. It’s okay to let family members know that what they want for you isn’t necessarily what you want for yourself. But you’re under no obligation to enter into this discussion if you don’t want to, or it doesn’t feel like the right time.
How to answer questions about money and your career
You’d think Christmas would be a time that you would have a break from discussing work but it’s not always the case. Family and friends are genuinely interested in your wellbeing and sometimes that well-meaning interest can border on invasive, especially if it’s not something you usually discuss.
We spoke to Khyati Sundaram, the CEO at recruitment platform Applied, to discuss how to address these questions.
“How much money do you make?”
Khyati says:
Money talk divides people. Some people will be very happy to discuss their earnings. Others think it’s rude and boastful. I sit somewhere in the middle: in certain contexts, sharing what we earn can give people a better understanding of what they’re worth; and can create grounds for negotiation. It can also help people understand, rather than glorify or envy, your lifestyle choices.
On the other hand, delivered in the wrong way, discussing our earnings can appear boastful and make people feel upset about their situation. Your response to this question should depend on where you sit on this spectrum. You’re not obligated to respond. You can say you’d “prefer not to discuss specific numbers, but I’m comfortable with where I am financially”. You could also talk about what else you get from your job: satisfaction, a sense of fulfilment, opportunities to learn, career growth.
If you are happy to share, good for you! You shouldn’t be ashamed of discussing a salary you’re proud of if someone has asked you outright.
“Why did you choose your career path?”
Khyati says:
The reality is, lots of us will have jobs that simply didn’t exist when some of our family members were younger. They genuinely might not get what you do, and sometimes the best response to a question like this is empathy and patience. If you want to, you could try to explain your job and your career.
Equally, it’s fine if you’re not in the mood. Another option is to thank the person who has asked for their interest, but ask them why they’ve asked, to try and understand the intention behind the question before you respond.
Ultimately, what you choose to do for a job is your choice and whilst it’s great if family are supportive, it’s not on you to do something you know they’ll approve of.
“How much did that cost?”
Khyati says:
Responding to this question completely depends on how comfortable you feel talking about money; and also whether you think divulging an honest answer here could open a can of worms with whoever has asked you.
If you don’t want to share the cost of something, I’d say “it was within budget”, “I could afford it”, or “it didn’t break the bank” and move on.
“Will you ever buy a house?”
Khyati says:
This is another question that likely has more to do with changing values and social expectations than it does to do with any choice you’ve actually made. Sometimes it can be difficult for relatives to understand our financial choices, such as how much we might pay for rent in London, or why we choose to travel rather than save for a deposit.
Try to be empathetic: times have changed massively and priorities have shifted, we can’t expect everyone to understand how we live, when they might have grown up in different circumstances. If a house is a priority for you then by all means express that; but if it’s not, that’s great too! You don’t need to justify your priorities if you don’t want to.
How to answer questions about health and your body
It is very frustrating to find yourself suddenly self-aware when your body is being commented on by loved ones or your wellbeing is being questioned by people that you’d never usually discuss it with.
We spoke with Dr Hannah Allen, a GP and Medical Director at Béa Fertility about how to address awkward questions at Christmas
“Have you gained/lost weight?”
Dr Allen says:
Weight is an incredibly loaded and sensitive topic. It can feel uncomfortable knowing that your family is noticing or commenting on your physical appearance. How you choose to respond will depend on how you feel about your body, and also your relationship with the person who has asked.
It goes without saying that you are completely within your rights to say you don’t feel comfortable answering that question, and would prefer not to discuss your body with them. If it’s a topic that you’re asked about a lot, and that makes you feel uncomfortable or upset, voice how you feel with a family member you trust so they can help you find an appropriate way to ensure it doesn’t come up again.
“Are you sure you need another drink?”
Dr Allen says:
The first thing to do is get to the intention behind the question: Does this person think you’re acting inappropriately? Have you said something offensive? Or has something else made them uncomfortable? Once you know why they’ve asked, you can decide how best to respond.
There’s a difference between family members expressing an opinion about how many festive tipples you’ve had that day, and family members expressing genuine concern for your health and drinking habits.
Whatever the situation, it’s always important to remember that drinking alcohol affects us all differently and can lead to us saying things without thinking as much as we usually would. Do your best to respond to a question that might have upset you, rather than react. Take a beat before you respond and do your best not to say anything you’ll regret.
I’d also recommend investing in a fabulous crystal glass to drink from. This helps you get the most out of whatever you do drink. Dress up your beverage with fresh mint or a maraschino cherry or a cocktail umbrella. It’s always possible to enjoy the ceremony and social ritual of drinking while looking out for your health.
How to discuss what you’re wearing
Dr Allen says:
My granddad has a bit where every time I wear ripped jeans around him, he asks if I couldn’t afford a pair without holes in them. I give him the same laugh I’ve given him for 25 years and move on but sometimes, people commenting on our clothing can leave us feeling self-conscious and uncomfortable.
We spoke with Rhiannon Evans-Young, a communications expert at Crest Comms about how to address questions about your clothing.
“Is that what you’re wearing?”
Rhiannon says:
If someone asks you this question, it normally says more about their own insecurities than it does about you. They’re probably envious that you have the confidence to express yourself so freely through your outfit choices. I always find the best response is a head on “yes, obviously this is what I’m wearing, what do you think?”.
People tend to find this quite disarming and will often respond with a platitude like “it’s very… you!”. Feel free to express how much you love your outfit, why it’s so perfect and how great it makes you feel to emphasise the fact that their opinion does not matter to you.
If nothing else, remind yourself that it’s just a day and you won’t have to deal with these annoying questions for another year.