10/12/2012 12:07 GMT | Updated 09/02/2013 05:12 GMT

Most Parents Would Prefer Their Children Not to Be Tory MPs

In the wake of David Cameron declaring that he believes that religious institutions ought, if they so wish, to be able to conduct gay marriage ceremonies, David Davies has decided it a good idea to label the move "barking mad", saying that "most parents would prefer their children not to be gay".

The opinions of myself and the honourable Member of Parliament for Monmouth differ ever so slightly on this issue of fundamental human rights. I believe that most parents would prefer their children not to be Tory MPs.

One isn't, after all, born with a desire to become a Tory MP; one chooses of one's own volition to adopt the lifestyle. No matter what results the tests bring back, however insistent the researchers' claims, we know that the decision is entirely voluntary. Parents are of course devastated when the news is brought to them by their offspring - and who can blame them, they're only human. But, faced with the vision of a barren future ahead of them, they put on a smile and adjust as best they can. They know, however, deep down, that in that moment they have lost something very valuable to them: the chance for their child not to be a homophobic, bigoted Tory MP. Little Davey will never really be Little Davey ever again.

I praise whole-heartedly the courage it must take to come out as a child wishing to become a Tory MP; although the extent of the dislike may not be obvious at the time, there will always be a recognition, if only in the unconscious, that one is going to become more unpopular and more unpleasant as one grows up. Most of all, of course, and most painfully, one risks the ostracism of one's parents; it is common knowledge that the yearning of most parents is to hear, at the very least, the pitter-patter of tiny Labour MP feet running across the living-room carpet.

Though it is of course difficult to comprehend why a child would wish to become a Tory MP, it is our solemn duty as a society to ensure that we can love the sinner and hate the sin. We ought never to be afraid to condemn moves to prevent two Tory MPs from marrying one another in the eyes of God; if God had wanted Tory MPs to marry, he would have made us all Tory MPs! It's Adam and Eve, not Churchill and Thatcher! Next time someone chastises you for condemning Tory marriage, tell them they are infringing upon your freedom of discrimination. If, God forbid, two Tory MPs were in love and wished to marry, it would be wrong of us to invite moral and societal collapse by permitting such a union. To take such action is not of course to be Toryphobic. I myself once had a cage-fight with a Tory MP and she seemed to be a perfectly agreeable woman.

There will soon be courses available to those who have chosen to adopt the heinous lifestyle of a Tory MP. With the right help, the behaviour can of course be altered, the ailment cured. For most, however - and it is with great sadness that I include David Davies in this category - the affliction is so severe, the sin so deeply ingrained, that treatment may be futile.

All that is left is to pray that the afflicted see the error of their ways before it is too late.