For an awfully long time, I believed that I could only be happy when I'd changed something about myself. For example, when I was more calm and confident, or when I stopped making mistakes and always got everything right. Only once I'd become that other person (I believed) could I stop feeling there was something wrong with me.
Then, several years back I went through a bereavement which changed all the relationships in my life, not least the one I have with myself. Here's what I learned that helped me finally let go of self-attacking.
In my 20s, I'd tried endless self-help books in an effort to become someone else. I hated that I always felt anxious and lacking confidence. I was determined to rid myself of these defects so that I could finally be happy. In my early 30s I discovered mindfulness, which helped me enormously in recognising that my thoughts weren't necessarily facts.
Mindfulness got me through the seven miscarriages I had before our son came along. But when he was a toddler, I suffered another loss, this one particularly traumatic. During the aftermath, things got very messy. I knew that friends were finding it hard to be around me. In truth, I found it hard to be around me. I felt like I couldn't rely on anything, my anxiety shot up, and my reactions to others were unpredictable. I wanted friends to support me even though they didn't have a clue how, and I was very sensitive to well-meant comments.
Sadly, this led to the breakdown of some friendships. In the past my response would have been to blame myself. My self-talk would have sounded something like this: "see, you've chased everyone away because you're handling this really badly and you've become a horrible person."
But I turned instead to compassion meditation. Not only did it (eventually) help me to heal some of those rifts, it prevented me from attacking myself.
I remember sitting in meditation one day offering myself the phrase 'May I have ease of being'. Suddenly, the phrase became 'May I have ease of being, just as I am'. Not 'May I have ease of being - when I'm perfect', but right now, just as I am: messy and heartbroken and chaotic. This learning for me was huge. I didn't have to wait till I was getting things right to feel OK about myself. I could love and accept myself right now, because being human is hard.
I no longer believe that we have to fix our perceived defects in order to be happy. We can be content just as we are, even when parts of our experience are difficult. And we can wish that others too have ease of being, just as they are.
When we can bring this gentle acceptance to ourselves and to others - no matter how human or unskilful our behaviour, we can let go of the added burden of (self-)criticism. This means we can use that energy elsewhere: for compassion, support and love. How would you use this extra energy?