This was the week that the country finally went completely insane. I mean, babblingly, frothingly, totally berserk. This was the week of The Baby. For what seems like a lifetime, the press have been trying to whip up a frenzy about the perfectly ordinary occasion of a woman giving birth.
Maybe it's marriage, maybe it's fatherhood, but it seems that Prince William's long-standing loathing for the media is beginning to mellow. When he came out of St Mary's Hospital, Paddington, with Kate and the new baby, William was positively oozing charm to the baying press mob.
Post-partum hair loss and noticeable shedding is more likely than not something that new mothers will have to contend with. But why is this?
The gift I want to give the new born prince is one of equality with the common people. I want them to be free to choose their own religion, marry whom they will and choose their own career without causing an abdication crisis. That they have no duties to defend an established status quo but are at liberty to think for themselves...
Sadly, I haven't been able to speak to the Duchess of Cambridge personally about the polka dot dress or her fringe choice a few months ago, but I know for a fact the countless fashion commentators and royal correspondents haven't either. So I'd like to say enough's enough. It's creepy. Let's leave Diana in peace and let Kate get on with her life.
So there we have it; the conclusion of the greatest product launch campaign Britain has ever seen. No, Apple didn't bring out the iWatch while you weren't looking. I'm talking about the latest release from modish mass market lifestyle brand Clarence House.
It would be churlish (and probably illegal) not to offer hearty congratulations to the Royal Couple. Childbirth is a difficult and stressful experien...
I mused as I scrolled though these over just how close to the brink of insanity the celebrity press is teetering. When I reached my personal favourite, KATE'S HAVING A BABY GIRL! PALACE UPROAR: ROYALS WANT MALE HEIR! I thought, do they realise how completely batshit crazy they sound?
William - looking happy and relaxed as he and Kate brought the new babe out to the waiting world - revealed that he personally had already changed the nappies of Britain's newest royal. It's the clearest sign yet that William is planning on being a quite different kind of Royal dad to any that we have ever seen before.
Raising a boy has its own particular joys and challenges. Duchess Kate and Prince William have some experience looking after younger brothers James and Prince Harry, but being a parent is entirely new. Here are some of the things that new parents of sons have to look forward to.
Amidst a global media frenzy, Prince William and Kate Middleton welcomed a baby boy into the world on Monday. The lead up to the royal birth generated...
Fellow country(wo)men, rejoice in the ceasing of all our woes! The blessed babe this day is born, joy to the world, etc. Here's the Tab guide to getting on a jolly that will rival that time there was a daddy longlegs in your McDonald's and you got a free six-pack of nuggets.
It is astonishing how many people do not know what their name means. It is not because they lack intelligence, but because English is a language with so many foreign roots that we have often lost touch with the origins of words. So whereas 'Myrtle' or 'Lilly' obviously refer to plants and flowers, many others are much less clear.
You might consider that being born a royal means you are born lucky - are some people indeed born lucky? The luckiest people alive - or at least people who believe they are lucky - are born in May. The Royal baby, it appears, has missed out being born in May by around two months - how unlucky is that?
The obvious and humane alternative to our current situation is the replace the Royal family with dogs. Their Royal Doginess could be lead from community group to building site and the British public would go wild; imagine a head of state that you could pat.
Enjoy settling in to your new "digs" at one of your family's many palaces. Eat, smile and repeat "mummy" for as long as you can and remember this, you don't pick your family, but you can pick out anything else you want. Don't worry, your family can afford it.