Silly Mummy is miming rooting around in the invisible bag: 'Look, The Toddler, what's this Mummy has here? Mummy has something here for you. Let Mummy just find it...ah, yes, here it is! Look: it's SHH!' Silly Mummy pulls the 'shh' finger out of the bag.
As a new parent, there's nothing I find more annoying that 'been there done it' parents telling me to 'enjoy every minute, they grow up so fast'. It's not the sentiment, but the lack of originality that irks me. I've heard it maybe 200 times now and I'm six months in to this game.
I don't want to say thank you for parenting, it's a job we both accepted the minute the pregnancy test turned positive, in fact it's something we committed to by disposing of the contraceptives. I want to thank you for the things you have done for me since we have become parents.
You decided you wanted to formula feed from birth because you were ready to get your body back? Great. Good for you and while you're at it get your other half involved in the night feeds because they no longer have the excuse that they aren't lactating.
It should be made clear at the outset that The Toddler loves The Baby. The Toddler is very proud of The Baby. She likes to show The Baby to anyone and everyone: 'My sis!' Nonetheless, The Baby is, on occasion, a big disappointment to The Toddler; and here are five and a half reasons why.
If you have tried every trick in the bedtime book and your offspring is still wide awake then maybe it is time to call it a day, well, a night! Take yourself and your little one into another room. Watch TV, have a cup of tea or a glass of wine. Enjoy your baby, enjoy being with your partner and calm the hell down!
The first year with the babies was quite tricky. There was so much to be done in so little time so I had to come up with a survival plan to cope during the early days, when I was left on my own for the first time to care for them.
You see it all comes from trying to make things perfect, to squeeze it all in so that everything is just right - but the irony is it only causes me to feel stressed and behave in a way that just doesn't meet my lofty standards of motherhood.
Never EVER did I think I would be so excited about another human taking a dump, but my oh my the sound of poo hitting plastic has made this potty training mums year!
My theory is that PMT is the body conspiring against you to try and convince you to become pregnant and have more children, buying into the misguided theory that by making periods completely awful we as women will do anything to prevent them.
No, I'm not talking about killing off the Mother-in-law here (that's a joke by the way, any Mother-in-laws reading), I am talking about when we finally dump the Changing Bag, finish our long-term relationship with it, and how we feel about 'Bag Bereavement.'
Once we had the drip in her hand it was decided that she was going to have an epidural and an anaesthetist was called for. Obviously I'm very anxious at this point and every minute seemed like an hour.
Although the majority of us might be saying, "ewww, no way would I eat that!", it's fast becoming a trend with celebrities such as Kourtney Kardashian and January Jones tucking in. So, does that mean we all should?
For the mums who are starting out their journey, parenting a child with special needs, incase we don't bump into each other in the parent's kitchen here are the things I need you to know, from a mum who once was feeling the same as you...
So, you are out of your maternity clothes, and are now facing an entirely new wardrobe crisis. The breast feeding wardrobe... Something you didn't prepare for when you were pregnant, bet you thought you would just wear your old clothes didn't you!
I want to share my experiences of breastfeeding to highlight some of the issues I faced and urge new mums not to feel guilty if they cannot breastfeed. Also, influencers to new mums should provide more practical advice at every stage and relieve as much guilt as possible!