Joining a mums' group is a great idea. Those first meetings can be a little awkward, though, with everyone trying to be as nice as possible while secretly trying to work out who will be your future drinking buddy and who will be the person you end up having that tedious chat about John Lewis muslin square.
The Husband makes his way, slowly and creakily up the stairs, pops his head in and sees there is no space in the bed (I am sure that he welcomed that sight) with me in a strange yoga-like position across the middle due to the baby being attached to the boob and the toddler requiring my hair as a comfort blanket.
Sex education? Easy. Simple facts. No need to go into details of who has to sleep in the damp patch. Just cold, hard facts. But I don't have to think about this right now. My eldest is five. She won't ask about the birds and bees for at least another two years.
I felt my daughter needed to be close to me while she slept. My gut was telling me that she did not yet feel secure enough to sleep alone. But what the hell did my gut know? My gut hasn't got childcare qualifications or written a book. It doesn't have 68 million followers on Twitter or any 'scientific research' to back it up.
Tash hit 10cm at about 10pm, it was time to push! I've seen a few films so had my supportive breathing noises and standard sentences at the ready, complete with sympathetic tones.
Yes you guessed it my friends, that Malteser was not a delicious piece of chocolate that had managed to escape from the emergency bag earlier that morning but was in fact a piece of turd that had escaped from my toddlers nappy earlier that week! We live in a cruel world people.
Whether you're feeling happy or not, being out for dinner with Mum and Dad is always a great opportunity to stretch your legs. This again is another great way to attract attention to Mum and Dad who bizarrely think they're out for a sit down.
My husband told me the other day that's it's not my personality to get down on the floor and play with her but it suits him (so she wont be so deprived after all!). I think I'm more of a "teacher" than a "player", I really look forward to her reading, painting, cooking with me etc over the coming years.
When we get to the crux of it, the context of the questioning is pretty anti-feminist and shoddy really (society/media's fault and the inequality of the workforce for mothers are to blame rather than the enquirer)...
When I had my daughter six years ago, I was wholly unprepared for the raft of life changes I was about to experience. One of the many changes I had not expected was the change to my friendships.
So when, exactly, are new mums expected to look after their own nutrition? When are they supposed to make a healthy meal or think about eating their five-a-day? The reality is, it's often far easier to reach for a slab of cake or a couple of chocolate digestives.
We choose to go to work to earn money for them, to give them more. For them to have more hobbies, a bigger house, more holidays in a year. If you look at what you do, ask yourself, "Is this for my child?" I bet most of the time it is. I hear people all the time feeling bad they miss children's assemblies, but it is because you are working for them.
A week or so later it's impossible to say for certain quite what the impact of this delivery was, but I can honestly say that of all my three children (all equally delightful, of course) this baby has been by a long shot the most calm and content, latching onto the breast with ease and hardly ever grizzling or crying.
The ideal candidate will have a degree in Patience, an NVQ Level 3 in CBeebies and the dexterity of an octopus on speed. You should possess a strong desire to be accompanied everywhere (including the toilet) and a high level of irritation tolerance for programmes like Peppa Pig and Twatsy and Tim.
Family travel provides its own unique challenges, but some airports and airlines provide facilities which go a long way to ease some of the stress. Here are the airports and airlines that provide complimentary strollers for use and information on where to find them.
Obviously as a big fat mummy-blogging bore it is my absolute right to condescend and judge in such a manner, but essentially, I just think you could do with a mate - a mate like me, Mummy Pig.