Kim Jong-Un Returns From 'Martial Arts Training And Meditating Atop Mount Paektu'

After five weeks of frantic speculation, the mystery surrounding the disappearance of Kim Jong-Un, North Korea’s portly autocrat, was finally resolved on Tuesday.

A tweet by the state-run DPRK News Service revealed that Kim was not ill, as many in the decadent West had reasoned, but had been engaging in “martial arts training and meditating atop Mount Paektu".

The training must have been intense, as the waddling tyrant made his reappearance sporting a cane, giving “field guidance” at the newly built Wisong Scientists Residential District in the North Korean capital Pyongyang on Monday.

The 31-year-old also looked to have shed some timber, which again must be the result of an intense physical regiment… and absolutely nothing to do with a rumoured gastric bypass for the moon-face authoritarian.

So plausible is the DPRK’s explanation for Kim’s disappearance that it barely warrants a mention in this or any other newspaper. Still, to welcome the stocky despot back to public life, we’ve put together five equally plausible explanations for Kim’s unusual extended vanishing.

  • Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un returns from the Essex coast where he aided 'Dear Leader' Farage secure Ukip's first elected MP. Kim also meditated atop Clacton Pier.
  • Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un returns from a Netflicks binge of Peaky Blinders. The Commander of the Korean People's Army leader can now say, 'You don't f*ck with Billy Kimber' in a perfect Brummie accent.
  • Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un returns from extended talks with Louis Van Gaal about becoming Manchester United’s new centre back. Negotiations stalled after the pair clashed over zonal marking.
  • Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un returns after a month helping Sky News investigate Internet trolling. Kim’s final week was spent meditating in Martin Brunt’s basement.
  • Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un returns from Glasgow where he was the keynote speaker at the Lib Dem conference. He also led several policy discussions and chaired a roundtable meeting on improving Nick Clegg's image.

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