That 13 year-old girl from Abu Dhabi? Think of her as a Range Rover Evoque.
Bear with me here...
Clearly I'm not an economics expert. I couldn't even pretend to be one, for fear of my bank manager finding out and expressing his mirth in the comments below.
But I do have a basic grasp of maths and logic, and it seems clear that if we, the British nation, are to 'grow' economically, then ultimately we need to bring more money into the country. I can't realistically hope to increase my bank balance by shuffling money around between my overdraft and (pretty measley) savings account, so I go to work and bring money in from the outside. I imagine you do the same.
So, my logic tells me, the country has to as well. Interest rates, quantitive easing and stuff (yes, 'stuff') might paper over the cracks, but for the national bank balance to improve we need to bring more money in from the outside. From overseas.
Even I know that this process has a proper word dedicated to it: exports. But what we must also grasp is that this word doesn't only relate to physically sending stuff (sorry, I know, buy a thesaurus) to a foreign country and loading the boat up with wads of Chinese Yen for the return journey.
Obviously you are all intelligent people, so you will already know that a Japanese tourist splashing out on a Burberry coat, or a South African businessman paying by the hour for video conferencing with his London-based business advisor, or the child of a Russian oligarch taking a place at a £30,000 a year British public school, are all excellent examples of United Kingdom exports.
But to me it is an important point to acknowledge. Not just because it helps to validate my job, working in marketing at an independent boarding school. But also because, despite being officially classified as exports, tourism, retail, fashion, financial services, education and other service industries don't seem to carry the same weight as car exports or oil revenues when it comes to the government, politicians and the media.
This was graphically illustrated by the recent decision to ban London Metropolitan University from receiving students from outside the EU. Rather than being praised for their ability to attract overseas students (and, with each one, tens of thousands of pounds in exports) the University was forced to jump through more hoops than you might find in an Essex earring shop and eventually slipped up. Instead of welcoming the students (and their cash) with open arms, the system seemed to brand everyone an illegal immigrant until the University could prove otherwise.
Recently my school's admissions department was visited by officials, and from what I've heard it was a pretty stressful experience. Of course I understand the need to vet those we welcome into our country, and I would be foolish to pretend that no one has ever visited Britain on a student visa and stayed here illegally, but to suggest that a 13 year-old girl from Abu Dhabi, whose parents are willing and able to spend £30,000 a year for their education, is potentially an illegal immigrant seems a little strong...
Perhaps if the government thought of her as £30,000 a year in exports, they would be more welcoming. In other words, just think of her as a Range Rover Evoque. It just might work...