22/11/2017 17:11 GMT | Updated 22/11/2017 17:40 GMT

A Budget 2017 Guide For People Who Don't Like Politics

Ain't no LOL like a Tory LOL.

Autumn Budget day - perhaps no other day in the year is as important yet simultaneously, so insipidly dull.

Unfortunately, Chancellor Philip Hammond - not known for his Peter Kay-esque comedic delivery or timing - seemed to think the way to approach it this year was to swiftly pivot between Top Gear gags and news that the British economy is really, really f****d.

What resulted was a rollercoaster-ride of emotion in a theme park where all the guests wear grey suits, shout at each other, and all the European kids look like they’re having more fun.

But if you insist on a full rundown, who are we to deny you that?



“No majority, little spare money, zero charisma. Philip Hammond was on the defensive before he’d even opened his mouth today. Thanks to more cash for the NHS and housing, including a stamp duty cut for first time buyers, and a surprise £3bn for Brexit, his Budget avoided the historically low expectations made of him.


“But the big story was the severely downgraded growth figures that meant he couldn’t do anything genuinely radical.

“Having told us he was “not deaf” to the public’s howls of pain over austerity, many voters will feel he is not really listening. Nurses won’t be delighted by the ‘jam tomorrow’ promise of pay rise and the housing plan -stamp duty aside - seems a collection of micro-policies that may be more spin than substance. He did listen on Universal Credit but only under intense pressure from his own backbenchers


“With Brexit looming, safety-first caution was his priority, technocratic tweaking and reviews were his method. Yet while Hammond tried to reassure his party that ‘nothing has changed’ on getting the deficit down, for both him and the PM that phrase remains the most toxic political curse.”