POLITICS
15/07/2018 21:56 BST | Updated 16/07/2018 08:49 BST

Donald Trump Has Left The UK - Here's What The Hell Just Happened

Well that was intense.

It may surprise you to learn that Thursday was only four days ago.

But in that time so much has happened that it feels like far longer as Donald Trump’s controversial UK visit arrived, dropped a few bombs, and then left.

Despite only being here for four days (two of which he spent playing golf) there was quite a lot going on.

So now the dust has settled, let’s have a quick recap.

DAY 1

The Expectation

During a surprise press conference just before Trump landed in the UK last Thursday, Trump said: 

They like me a lot in the UK.

The Reality

Trump turned out to be slightly wide of the mark and from the very first moment his motorcade appeared on the streets of London, spontaneous protests like this emerged.

Trump wasn’t even in the country yet.

The Arrival

Presumably wary of middle fingers all over the capital being pointed in his direction, the US President skipped the roads all together and was ferried by Transformers to Regent’s Park and the home of the US Ambassador to the UK, where he would spend Thursday night.

Still plenty of middle fingers but a bit more distance than the motorcade would have afforded.

The Protest That Didn’t Quite Work

That very shouty crowd in the video above was a group that congregated in Regent’s Park with the sole intention of keeping him awake all night.

Around 150 people were armed with placards, drums, vuvuzelas and good old-fashioned lung power but their attempts at an all-night noise protest were scuppered at 9pm when a frustrated park official announced over a megaphone: “Come on people, everybody out - we’re locking the gates.”

The First Engagement

First stop on the official tour was at Blenheim Palace in Oxfordshire for a fancy gala black tie dinner with Theresa May.

Inside the Palace it was a picture of cordiality and good old British hospitality.

PA Wire/PA Images

Outside it was a bit different...

The Bombshell

Trump repaid the PM’s hospitality by essentially dumping on her from a great height.

In an exclusive interview with The Sun, which landed probably around the same time dessert was being served, Trump said that Britain remaining so closely aligned to the European Union under May’s plans would undermine a UK-US trade pact - which is seen as one of the biggest prizes after quitting the bloc.

Bear in mind Trump has been in the UK for a little over eight hours at this point.

The US President also attacked May’s negotiating strategy, adding: “I would have done it much differently. I actually told Theresa May how to do it but she didn’t agree, she didn’t listen to me.”

And on Sunday morning we found out why - he told the PM she should “sue the EU”, which, quite frankly, barely qualifies as advice and sounds more like the petulant ramblings of a six-foot baby. Speaking of which...

DAY 2

THE BABY BLIMP!!!

On Friday morning this happened.

Yes it was silly, yes it was childish but LOOK AT HIS TINY LIFELIKE HANDS!!!

 

The Press Conference

Meanwhile in the supposedly grown-up world of Westminster, May and Trump were holding a press conference which, bearing in mind all of the above, promised to be entertaining to say the least.

Trump attempted to clean up his criticism of the PM and her Brexit negotiations by blaming “fake news” - despite it being quotes from his own mouth, uttered to a reporter on the record, during an interview.

Then, apparently oblivious to the current Prime Minsiter stood next to him, he said this:

Then to cap it all off he bald-shamed a reporter.

 

For the record, we’ve only just passed the 24-hour mark at this point. 

The Big One

As this was happening one of the largest ever protests seen in the UK was gathering around Trafalgar Square - around 100,000 people.

Rather than go over al the grand speeches and guest speakers, we’ll just give you what you really want - the most British protest signs.

There was also a fine selection of doggos.

The Lesson In The Basics From The Queen

Later on Friday afternoon Trump arrived at Windsor Castle where the Queen literally had to teach him how to walk in a straight line.

Speaking to Piers Morgan aboard Air Force One later on, Trump said: ”“The Queen is fantastic!

“She’s a fantastic woman; so much energy and smart and sharp. She was amazing!”

The Queen has retained a stoic silence over the encounter.

Things calmed down slightly after this as Trump made his way to Scotland.

But while the protestor numbers may have been smaller, the levels of ingenuity on display were superb.

The banner read Trump Well Below Par and was revealed shortly after the US president arrived at the Ayrshire hotel.

The pilot was later arrested and charged by police although he’s presumably lucky not to have been sniped to death by them instead.

Meanwhile in London a small rally in support of Trump and the jailed Tommy Robinson attracted the likes of this chap who after being asked to explain something simple instead chose to call a reporter a “slag”.

 DAY 3

Golf.

 

DAY 4

More golf.

 

Your turn Putin.