Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch.
When my 2yo doesn’t want to talk anymore, she ends the conversation with “happy birthday” and walks away waving bye.
— Princess | Family Wellness (@themultiplemom) May 8, 2023
help my husband who usually does bedtime is out of town & the 8-year-old out of nowhere said he knows we're the tooth fairy because his friend gets $6/tooth and he only gets $2 & the only variable is the different parents & i panicked and said maybe the friend has better teeth
— Vauhini Vara (@vauhinivara) May 9, 2023
3 year old’s new thing when he’s trying to be slick is asking for something for his “wife.” So “I need candy… for my wife.” Or “I need watch tv… for my wife.”
— Joe Bernstein (@Bernstein) May 9, 2023
My husband thought he’d try getting the same sausage my 3yo eats every morning but in patties instead of links because “I thought we’d try a new shape” hahahaha
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 9, 2023
I've never experienced being swarmed by locusts, but I have tried to unpack groceries while my teenagers were home.
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) May 9, 2023
3yo, playing with her dolls: Mommy, I love you!
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 9, 2023
Me: Aw I love you too.
3yo: Oh. That was actually my baby talking to me.
Me: Oh.
3yo: Nobody said that to you.
Me: Right.
Me: Sorry.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 8, 2023
-elementary schools
My 14 year old stepson saw this Amazon box and was like “hahahaha what is that even talking about” and I’d like to announce that I am now ready for the urn pic.twitter.com/PMtmHJhgbe
— Tiffany Hardy (@TiffMHardy) May 8, 2023
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 9, 2023
My mom said she hoped the kids’ swim lessons went swimmingly, which would have annoyed me not long ago but now I just wish I’d thought of it first
— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) May 7, 2023
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) May 11, 2023
Same, kid. Same.
My 7yo son made me a cup of coffee that somehow taste like beef stew.
— Princess | Family Wellness (@themultiplemom) May 6, 2023
“Mommy, I put a sprinkle of that brown stuff in it like you”
The brown stuff I use is cinnamon. The brown stuff he used was dry rub seasoning.
I can’t wait for these kids to go to my mama house today.
Hated by teens: a night alone, early bedtime, nothing to do
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) May 8, 2023
Loved by adults: a night alone, early bedtime, nothing to do
My kid just informed me that two of his stuffed animals got married and was offended that I hadn’t gotten them a wedding gift and apparently this is my life now.
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) May 9, 2023
Took our 9-year-old son to see MARGARET for the first time last night. (I spent the last few weeks reading him the book in preparation to see the film. When we got about halfway through it, he stopped, turned to me and said, YOU MADE A WHOLE MOVIE ABOUT BOOBS?!!!) pic.twitter.com/gV3oou7pKF
— Kelly Fremon Craig (@KFremonCraig) May 8, 2023
10: is it me or does everything taste better with mashed potatoes
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 10, 2023
-my son, attaining enlightenment
10: dad, close your eyes and open your mouth
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 9, 2023
me: well that's definitely a no.
My son’s school was having issues with messy bathrooms so every month they reward the boys or girls with ice cream depending on whose bathrooms are cleaner and according to my son it’s become a prank war where they just fuck up each other’s bathroom.
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) May 7, 2023
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 9, 2023
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Woke up asking myself important existential questions like: *does* the shape of a toddler’s food really affect the flavor, can the color of a cup determine the outcome of a morning and is *true* happiness arguing about nothing for absolutely no reason until ur mom’s head explodes
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 10, 2023
12yo, watching a video of a wombat: I’ve never seen one before but I honestly thought it would be more bat than wom
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) May 10, 2023
Welp I accidentally cut my daughter’s toast into quarters instead of halves so there goes my week
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 8, 2023
My kids’ school is hosting Mother’s Day Tea at 7am on Friday. It’s like a dress rehearsal for all the moms who won’t get to sleep in on Sunday either.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) May 11, 2023