What God Might Tell Theresa May About Brexit

The 10 Commandments for leaving the EU.

1) Thou shalt have no other referendums on Brexit.

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I am the referendum thy Brexit, who brought you out of the land of Europe, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other referendums before Brexit.

2) Thou shalt not make ‘soft’ Brexit.

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You shall not make for thyself a soft Brexit—any likeness of anything that is in Norway above, or that is on the Continent beneath, or that has been mentioned on the Twitter account of Gary Lineker or JK Rowling; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, Brexit, am a jealous Brexit, visiting the iniquity of the financial crisis upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who voted Leave, but showing mercy to anyone over 60 who voted Leave.

3) Thou shalt not trigger Article 50 in vain

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You shall not trigger Article 50 in vain, for Brexit will not hold him patriotic who triggers Article 50 in vain.

4) Forget the Sabbath day

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Forget the Sabbath day, to keep Britain solvent. Seven days you shall labour and do all thy work. In it you shall do work: you, thy son, thy daughter, thy male servant, thy female servant, thy cattle, thy stranger who is within thy gates. For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but a leisurely Sunday was not enough time to sort out the mess of Brexit. Therefore the referendum screwed the Sabbath day and ruined it.

5) Honour thy father and thy mother.

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Honour thy father and thy mother; they’re your only shot at home ownership.

6) Thou shalt not murder.

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You shall not murder. This one still stands and is very important.

7) Thou shalt not commit adultery

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You shall not commit adultery by taking foreign holidays except for regions dominated by British ex-pat Leave voters unaware of the irony.

8) Thou shalt not steal votes

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You shall not steal votes unless it is by boundary changes and takes votes from Labour in areas of Britain that ironically receive the most support from the EU.

9) Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour

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You shall not bear false witness against thy neighbour unless he looks a bit foreign and has a better job than you.

10) Thou shalt covet thy neighbour’s council house

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You shall covet thy immigrant neighbour’s job, any legitimate benefits he receives, his hard-earned car, and his children’s school places, his lawnmower and his access to free health care.

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