14/06/2016 08:43 BST | Updated 15/06/2017 06:12 BST

Note to Dave and Jezza: Don't Trust the Public With the Vote, They're Cretins

It's far too early to tell if the latest opinion polls suggesting the people of Britain and that little bit of Ireland will vote Brexit next week. Political pundits often insist you can't infer anything from opinion polls, but in this case I think you can: the public are cretins.

This viewpoint may seem harsh, but Jeremy Corbyn confirmed it the other day when he reminded us that immigration has absolutely nothing to do with the housing shortage or the shortage of school places. You wouldn't think anyone could argue with this obvious fact - yet a few morons continue to suggest that when 3000,000 more people arrive in one place than leave it in any particular year (let alone year upon year), that might have some infinitesimal impact on housing supply and schools! Only a racist would form such an idiotic opinion. What do you racist scum have against black Poles and Romanians anyway?

Similarly, David Cameron reminded us that the European Union had kept peace in Europe since the end of World War II, and helped bring an end to the war in the former Yugoslavia. Some morons had the nerve to suggest that the EU hadn't actually done too well in preventing bloodshed over there, but what do you expect if you allow Joe Public to comment?

It isn't just the politicians who know how stupid you are. Yes: you. Big Business has also reminded us that we need cheap labour because otherwise prices would go up. Economists remind us that we need young blood to pay for all these old people who selfishly gave up work and then didn't die quickly. Yet some idiots actually think the immigrants will also grow old! What the hell's wrong with you people?

The security services have confirmed that only by combining intelligence with our neighbours can we prevent terror attacks in Europe. Without the EU, say the economists again (the ones who correctly predicted the credit crunch of 2008), affluent, successful countries like Greece would be plunged into poverty. The EU works because we're all friends now, as was demonstrated by the touching demonstration of affection between football fans in Marseilles last weekend.

As for Turkey, well, obviously they won't be joining the EU. Dave Cameron said so in that speech. No, you idiot, not the one where he told President Erdogan, "I believe it's just wrong to say that Turkey can guard the camp but not be allowed to sit in the tent. So I will remain your strongest possible advocate for EU membership and for greater influence at the top-table of European diplomacy." Not that one. His OTHER speech. The other day. Idiot.

Herein lies the problem. It's not that politicians ever lie, or make mistakes, or speak about issues they don't understand: the problem, dear reader, is you. Not me - I'm a journalist, and therefore understand everything - I mean YOU.

So as a very clever journalist I suggest Cameron and the Westminster meritocracy learn from this grave error. Never again must they trust the British public to make a decision. They just aren't bright enough. Leave the tough decision to those who understand life at the sharp end: bankers, CEOs, Old Etonians. Democracy isn't working so there's only one solution: take away the vote altogether. You people get on with your dreary little life of scratch cards, Bingo and strong lager and leave the big decisions to those with the intellect to keep things as they are. Perfect.