03/02/2015 06:03 GMT | Updated 04/04/2015 06:59 BST

Oh My God, Who Am I Going to Vote For?

With the General Election appearing on the horizon, the choice of which party to vote for has created the same dilemma as deciding upon how best you would like to be killed. The only difference being that if you are dead, you would not have to contemplate the outcomes of the choice of political party you have had to make.

For many years disappointed at what is on offer, I have consoled myself with voting Green on the basis that looking after the environment has to be a very good idea indeed therefore I was certain of at least one slam dunking good idea from them. It was however when Natalie Bennett, the leader of the Greens declared that we should not get too hot under the collar if our next door neighbour was a member of ISIS provided they did not kill anyone, that I thought she may have stepped into the Leader's sandals and hemp based suit too quickly . I do feel (nay hope) that Ms Bennett was caught on the hop when she made that statement by some quote hungry journalist causing her to come to this mind numbingly unwise statement. It is however a sign that we are human where we inadvertently release information without thinking of the consequences like the time I confessed to my mother that I had done a poo while wrapped in the lounge curtains (damn, done it again).

The sad fact is that given the significant weaknesses in the available choices, I am left with the conclusion that if a job is worth doing, I must do it myself. Thus, I am today launching my campaign to be a new Political force in the United Kingdom. I consider myself well suited for this campaign being Oxbridge educated, heterosexual, married with two fragrant children (sometimes very fragrant), no mistresses either past or planned and a marked absence of sexual peccadillos.

I have a strong team behind me made up of my extended family who will occupy my front bench. Indeed, they have for many years occupied my front and spare rooms for extended periods, emptying my fridge and drinks cabinet and arguing about matters of topical and moral importance while maintaining a balance of payments deficit with the Pickwick household.

The post of Chancellor of the Exchequer will be filled by my mother in law, Anne. Anne is a Keynesian in her approach to fiscal policy spending her way through every part of the economic cycle without any regard for a prudent approach to interest rates or consideration of market forces. She is also a very keen on state control directly intervening in many aspects of the lives of those around her - weddings, outfits and choice of houses or partners.

The role of Minister for Health will be filled by my sister in law, Grace. Grace knows a lot about health, convinced on numerous occasions that she is about to die having consulted Dr Google and his many learned medical friends when assessing the mortality risk of hiccoughs, a cold or breathing. The Electorate will be assured that the NHS will be in safe hands under the Guardianship of Grace. Indeed, the NHS will grow considerably.

To fund the large growth of the NHS, the Ministry of Defence will be scaled back considerably. The Pickwick extended family being Irish are of the view that it is good to talk. Past experience has highlighted their successful use of Tea or wine to defuse all areas of conflict. I received an early lesson in diplomacy from them knowing that every meeting commences with enormous hugs with the certain male members of the family kissing visitors to prove how heterosexual they are. A contrast from my own family who tend to shake hands as a sign of affection, I learnt quickly that this tradition cuts through the ice in every situation. I have no doubt that the current issues in North Korea (part of the Axis of Evil) could be addressed by some stubble on stubble action and a nice cup of tea.

This change of policy would lead to the cancelling of the Trident programme to be replaced by my brother in law, John who has always been pretty handy with his fists.

The Pickwick approach to improving the moral framework of Society will be led by Mrs Pickwick who will become Archbishop of Canterbury when we are elected now that Bishop Libby Lane has made this possible. If the current Archbishop refuses to stand aside, we will despatch a number of well tooled up knights (Sir Ray Winstone and Sir Ross Kemp) to change his mind following a precedent started in the 12th Century. Mrs Pickwick is well qualified for this role having spearheaded a moral crusade for many years to clean up many areas of society as well as looking well hot in purple.

Head of Communications at number 10 would be my sister in law, Polly. Polly has for many years applied a communications strategy that reaches millions of people by sending emails of the following type:

"Here is a picture of a cute puppy that loves you very much. This picture will give you good luck. You must now send this picture to twelve of your very best friends. If you do not, your leg will become gangrenous'.

With Pickwick for Prime Minister, we will put the Great back into Britain as well as the King back into United Dom. When bad people turn up, we will fight them on the beaches, if we have to (provided we have sandals on). We will never surrender unless they are really big in which case we will give them a piece of my mother in law's fruit cake - that normally works. We want everyone to have a bigger slice of cake, both in monetary and in cake terms. We will do this by making bigger cakes so everyone will get bigger slices.

So, if you had the choice of Cameron, Milliband, Farrage, Clegg or Pickwick, what would you do?

Pickwick will give you cake - Fruit, Victoria Sandwich, Chocolate, Christmas, Lemon Drizzle and Upside down. Respecting minorities, we will give you Ginger cake as well.

And great buns too.