Football: I remember a very miserable afternoon - a rainy Saturday - spent in a pub that smelled of cauliflower and dog, staring with great concentration at a TV up on the wall. I didn't really dare look away in case I looked like I was bored and I couldn't have given two bronze f***s about what was happening...
In the aftermath of the Second World War Tom had to return to his family after spending the duration in Polly's tiny rural village. Circumstances and parents didn't allow the young couple to meet for a year. It was their daily love letters on cheap lined paper torn from exercise books that kept their love alive.
It's ludicrous that otherwise sane, rational people can invest so much emotional and financial capital in a day that they know is designed to fleece the consumer. More ludicrous still that we persist, despite the fact that everyone - single, attached, or 'it's complicated' - has a terrible time on Valentine's Day.
Are you a 'romantic paranoiac'? Defined in Alain De Botton's 2006 book Essays in Love, as a tendency to misread sexual interest in the body language and conversation of others. Men, much more than women, see sexual intent in the opposite gender's friendly gestures. Working out who really fancies us may be down to evolution and psychology.
You have to spot his habitual patterns of behaviour, dismantle his excuses and telegraphed responses. I'm not telling you to turn into a paranoid investigator. However, understanding your BET gives you greater insight and self-awareness. It's incredibly easy to sleep next to a 'Chameleon', mistaking him for a 'Family Man'.
It's a question as old as time: do you eat out for Valentine's Day or brave the kitchen yourself in a foolhardy attempt to impress your partner? On the one hand, if you dine out, you won't burn your kitchen down, desperately scraping ashen steak chops off the oven walls as your love weeps into her napkin.
Feminists would take the stance that this is somehow to do with the male appetite for a younger model. Women are left alone fending for themselves after a marriage breakdown and fated to an existence of meals for one and loneliness whilst their ex partner enjoys the fruits of youth. The truth, however, is often less interesting than spin.
What happens when the wick of that romance candle burns out and 3 months of you trying to conceive had long passed 2 years ago? By this point you are probably seeking out treatments. Instead of having a date night you are planning your life around your monthly cycle and your date night funds are all but gone from the costs of medical bills from clinics and pharmacies rolling in.
I know many people love this day of schmaltz where hearts are de rigueur but I am not a fan. Irrespective of my relationship status I have never liked Valentine's Day. Don't get me wrong I am a die hard romantic. In fact I am known for my excessive sentimentality which at times has proved to be my Achilles' heel.
Every woman is different. Personally, I can't stand flowers simply because I always kill them. I'm just not a flower loving gal. I'd rather be wined and dined with a hearty red and a cheese plate the size of my head. Brie is my love language. When you're in a relationship with a woman, you should know things like this about her.