The day had arrived, months of planning had come down to this. My favourite part of the planning process had been what I called 'operation scent thrower,' in which I, your heroic protagonist Alexander Smith, would spend time attempting to make my beloved feel that I would seemingly never want to fully commit myself to her.
There has for some years now been a great deal of interest in Sweden here in the UK. I think this stems largely from the fact that Swedes seem like a happier, more successful version of us... What is their secret? It could be summed up in one word: 'lagom'. Lagom is a uniquely Swedish word with no direct translation into English. It means 'not too much, not to little'.
I implore to you all: Harry Styles must be stopped. There is some hypnotic gaze that the hairstyled individual holds over young girls in order to do his bidding. This month, I will be taking the show to London and Edinburgh. Please grab your bottle of Frizz-Ease and lucky dead cat and come join me in finding out how to stop all things One Direction based.
When I'm not onstage, I co-produce the independent Noodle Palace and Midlandia venues during Western Australia's Fringe World festival, so I'm out seeing a lot of shows come Australia's festival season from February through April. A lot of these end up at Edinburgh come August. Here are ten of my favourites. OK, eleven.
A blind kid with disabilities does not deserve to be slaughtered by a comedian but an adult with 20/20 vision who owes you twenty bucks and drunkenly compliments your wife's tits deserves and needs to have his dignity stripped down to his ankles then whacked by some very heavy lesson biker mechanic chains.
I was not a 'natural beauty' per se. Ahem. I was... gawky. I had pointy teeth at the front. I was whooping cough skinny. I had a big nose for my age. It's a shame it doesn't work for noses the same way it works for IQs. "My daughter has such a big IQ for her age." "Well my daughter has an enormous nose!" *awkward slow nodding.*
So Jeremy Clarkson has done it again. Not for the first time, the news agenda has been hijacked by the idiocy and anachronistic opinion of this called so called 'Journalist'. Being an established 'leftie' so vocally despised by Clarkson, I have received at least three invitations to sign petitions calling on the BBC to sack him.
I do it because I think every single human being is capable of wonderful things, and I don't think anyone is stupid. I just think that a lot of us, myself included, don't know enough and if we were more thoughtful, looked deeper into issues and knew more, we could as a society be making better decisions and live in a far better world.
Porn is no longer my friend. We don't hang out at all, and I have defriended him on Facebook. And now the internet has become a place where you have to sign petitions that you are not sure are just chain letters and watch videos of people being nice to each other, or busking and no one noticing that they are Yehudi Menuhin, or drunk people dancing with policeman or whatever.
It takes a particular kind of creative, self-obsessive, imaginative, observant and courageous person to bare their very soul on stage. It is not always funny either, the image of the sad clown and smiley face, sad face masks of comedy and tragedy are emblematic of the tortured genius that inhabits some of the world's greatest comedians.
Liam Williams is the most soulful, daring, intellectually unabashed young comedian in the country. His Foster's-nominated debut hour, which plays at the Soho Theatre this week, is comedy-as-poetry, his very own 'Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock', a mock-heroic bildungsroman of a set splashed with haggard beauty, Yorkshire melancholy and wanking-at-ten-past-three candour...
There's all these guides now such as 1001 places you must visit before you die, 1001 books you must read before you die, 1001 movies you must see before you die. Stuff 'em. If you're feeling more Slacker than Activist, see if you can't amble slowly towards one of these chillout zones, but if you're finding it a struggle - have a lie down.
I'm certainly not one of the best writers but I have written (and directed) a new web-series that launched today. Why should you watch it? One it's been made with a lot of love and commitment, everyone has given their time for free as they believe in the project so it would be great to repay that with some views.