With the Duchess of Cambridge now in her final trimester, the UK is anticipating the arrival of a new future monarch this July. There has never been a better time to give birth. Really, I'm not just offering that as a platitude, the customs and advice relating to pregnancy and birth in the past make for horrific reading. Of course, the lack of hygiene and gynaecological understanding caused untold suffering but setting mortality rates aside, midwives and the fashionable male accouchers of the past had some strange ideas about what was best for their patients.
There are a lot of people betting a lot of money on the name of the future Royal Baby - and after considerable research, I have worked out how to beat the bookies. No, not just beat them. Absolutely cane them. We hope.
The result is positive. My partner and I are thrilled. Tears prick our cheeks and we embrace each other as we revel in the joy of our future. I tell my mum and my best friend. Everyone is thrilled. I started to get sick...
The main reason, in fact, the only reason why the BBC has chosen to prioritise the royals, throughout the Duchess's pregnancy, throughout her marriage to Prince William, throughout the jubilee, is because it is pandering to the right-wing media, of which it is absolutely and permanently petrified.
Some matters are simply contentious. Sometimes you're never going to get it right. The politics of the Middle East, for example. Whether Scotland should or shouldn't become independent in 2014. Oh, and whether the term 'lady' is outmoded and derogatory or exactly what most women aspire to.
The Milan Fashion Week schedule is an impressive list of powerhouse labels from Armani, Prada, Fendi, Cavalli, Versace and Gucci. Italian luxury brands also appear impervious to the economic crisis thanks to demand from wealthy consumers in the Far East. So why is the Italian fashion establishment worried?
I recently wrote on this site that, in reference to the recently published photos of the Duchess of Cambridge, pregnant and on holiday, that '...our morbid fascination with this bizarre, ordinary family invests them with a sort of inverted dignity just by them doing and saying nothing of real consequence.' I didn't expect such a vivid illustration to present itself so soon.
If you stop and think for a moment, this whole thing isn't really about Kate Middleton. Sure, she's the focus of this round, but you're noticing it because she's ubiquitous enough that everyone feels they can give an opinion and because it involves talking about women's bodies and women's representations in the media.
Kate faces the same problem that every other royal faces when they're out in public. The very moment that they step out of line, say something a little risque or a little daring, then get absolutely pilloried. So for the past decade, Kate has been absolutely squeaky clean.
Initial reaction from pretty much every female I know was horror, not so much that the Duchess of Cambridge can't so much as sneeze without someone capturing the moment for posterity, but that if you're going to be photographed in a bikini, you want a tiny bit of warning, and that's even if the picture is only being saved to someone's iPhone, rather than splashed across supermarket shelves the world over.
Just the teensiest point of order about the Duchess of Cambridge pictures being "mistakenly" flashed to millions of viewers on ITV's This Morning: would it be too daring, too risky, to suggest that, just perhaps, there was no mistake whatsoever about it?
Some thoughts over pizza at a restaurant in Rome after a 14 hour day on three hours sleep. I'm in Italy reporting on the Pope when another story breaks. Pictures of the royal baby bump appear in an Italian gossip magazine. Back to work for me, I'll never get to finish that pizza now.
So let's say the royal couple have two children and want to send them both to prep school at seven, followed by five years at a leading public school. Time to start saving? Or at least to ask the grandparents if they've considered downsizing?
For most the symptoms will be nothing more than mild nausea, but for others it can be more severe, with an inability to hold down food throughout the day and often lasting for weeks if not months. The good news is that usually the symptoms pass quickly, and if you follow my simple practical tips, can be kept under control.
Rest assured that this is a very early present for the PR industry. PRs will be peddling their wares and attaching products and brand events onto the media charabang at every opportunity. Sales speak stronger than sentiment, and the baby care PR pixies have been stat-spinning like a tribal dervish overcome by super-strength hallucinogenic cacti.
These two DJs are now also the victims and they are hurting. They look as if they are two tormented souls. They obviously feel as if they have caused this tragic death, this is evident in the interview. Never in my time have I ever seen two people's faces more wracked with guilt or more riddled with remorse.